Home
by Catherine4
Summary: The worst night of Alicia's life resulted in a son and her life began to unravel. Years later, Bea is trying desperately to keep her family together. Will love be enough to undo all the mistakes? Or has the damage already been done? Alicia/Bea pairing. I hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone. Thank you for clicking on my story! I realise I should probably update some of the many other stories I have for various shows ongoing before I write another but this idea came to me and I couldn't let it go. As of now when I'm posting this I am very nearly finished writing this story. It will be 6 chapters plus and epilogue (although the epilogue might be tacked onto the end of chapter 6, I haven't decided yet) I want to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed 'One Month' recently. I do intend to write more. I hope you'll forgive me for writing this instead!_

 _Thank you also to **theverystuffoflife** for inspiring me to write this with their story 'Tower of Strength' and for being my Beta. This is my interpretation of the same scenario expored in that story but a very different take. It's an Alicia/Bea story. I know I'm not the only one who ships them! It's a little angsty but I hope you like it anyway! One final thing before I stop waffling on, I took the title from a song called 'Home' written by a musical theatre composer named Scott Alan and sung on his album by Shoshana Bean. I won't post the lyrics, but I urge you to find it on Youtube and have a listen. It's beautiful._

 _This idea started with a question: What would've happened if Alicia had fallen pregnant as a result of her rape?_

Chapter 1

Ethan opened his front door to Bea. "Come in" he said. "You're early. I'm sorry I couldn't come to your house tonight like usual. I have a guy coming early in the morning to repair the heating, I thought it would be easier this way. Here, let me take that." Ethan took the overnight bag from Bea and turned to walk back into his house. Still Bea said nothing, just followed him silently into the living room.

"Can I get you a tea or something?" Ethan asked, dumping the bag on the sofa. "Bea?"

Bea was still standing in the middle of the floor with a vacant expression on her face. She blinked.

"Bea, is everything alright?"

Bea met Ethan's eyes. The child in her arms squirmed in his sleep but settled again, his far hair rumpled from where he lay his head against Bea's shoulder. "Theo called me Mummy this morning."

"Oh." Ethan stopped, but his expression wasn't one of complete surprise. "Here, sit down."

"How did we get here Ethan?"

Bea lowered herself onto the couch slowly and carefully. She settled Theo on her lap and leant back into the cushions. Ethan sat down beside the two of them and stroked Theo's sandy blonde hair. He didn't have the answer to Bea's question. He wished he did.

"We were in the park" Bea went on. "We met his little friend Alfie and his mother. I think he saw the two of them together, heard Alfie call Caroline Mummy and put two and two together."

"He's a smart little boy" Ethan said, but he realised quickly that probably didn't help.

Bea stroked Theo's hair too and looked down at him thoughtfully. "When did he grow up enough to think about these things? Ethan, it's not right. None of this is right."

Ethan put a hand on Bea's arm. He'd never been very good at this stuff. It was not a problem with patients most of the time, Ethan thought his bedside manner was pretty good, but with people he knew he found it too awkward. And he and Bea had never been that close, all they had in common was Alicia. Not until they were forced to be. Not until there was no one else to look after Theo when Bea was on a night shift and Ethan stepped into the breach. Of course he did, it was the least he could do. He'd failed his best friend, was failing her every day that she wasn't home, the least he could do was be there for her family.

"It's been four months" Bea said. "We can't go on like this. I can't go on like this."

"You're doing a wonderful job" Ethan said. "Trust me. No one could be doing any better for this little boy than you are."

"But I'm not his mother" Bea said. She wiped a tear from her cheek with her free hand. They had joked about it, before he was born, about what the baby would call them both when the time came. 'Mummy A and Mummy B?' Alicia suggested in one of her lighter moments, given their initials it was logical, but it was a throw away comment that had made them both laugh. Back then they had had plenty of time to figure it out.

"Not biologically maybe" Ethan said. "But you were there when he was born, you've been there every day of his life, and for the last four months you're the only parent he's known."

"It's my fault Alicia left" Bea said, her voice small and choked with emotion.

"No, it's not." Ethan turned to face Bea emphatically. "You saw she was struggling and tried to get her help. She wasn't ready, that's not on you."

"When she said she needed space, I thought she meant a few days. A week at most. Ethan, it's been months."

Every say since Alicia had left Bea had sent her a message. _'I love you. I miss you. Please come home.'_ But every day she didn't receive a reply Bea felt Alicia slipping further and further away. Some days Bea woke up devastated that the love of her life was not beside her and swore she would do anything to have her back. But some days she felt so angry with Alicia she thought she might explode. Because it wasn't only about them, it hadn't been for nearly 2 years now. From the moment Theo was born 20 months ago he became the most important thing in either of their lives.

That had been Bea's mistake. Being so focused on this tiny being that had appeared suddenly in their lives that it took her a long time to see that what Alicia was feeling went way beyond the 'baby blues'. By the time anyone realised just how depressed Alicia was, it was too late. But still Bea knew deep down that if Alicia were to walk through the front door tomorrow Bea would take her back in a heartbeat.

"We both let her down" Ethan admitted. "She was supposed to be my best friend and I didn't see the signs."

"She was my girlfriend." Her use of the past tense shocked Bea. It just slipped out but she guessed it was true. How could you claim to be in a relationship with someone who you hadn't seen and had only spoken to a handful of times in four months?

In her arms, Theo whimpered and opened his eyes a little, still half asleep. Bea smiled. "Hey little man." She kissed the top of his head. "I have to go to work. You're staying with Uncle Ethan tonight, is that ok?" Theo turned his head and buried his face in Bea's jumper. She didn't want to leave him, she never did. But she needed to work and she knew he was in safe hands with Ethan. Their strange dysfunctional co-parenting arrangement wasn't ideal, but it did work. Bea was thankful she wasn't alone.

"I gave him his bath and read him a story before we left home" Bea said. "He'll probably sleep through the night, it should be easy."

Ethan held out his arms for the child. "Bea, I'm happy to look after him any time, you know that. It's a pleasure."

Bea lifted Theo from her lap and passed him to Ethan. She knew all this was hard on him too. More so in some ways. It had been over two years but she knew Ethan was still hurting. He still loved Alicia, anyone who knew him could see it, and he was heartbroken when Alicia chose Bea over him. This was before anyone knew of Theo's existence, of course. Then everything went crazy and Ethan's broken heart was the least of anyone's worries, including his own.

Bea knew Ethan wished he was Theo's father. In a strange way Bea wished it too. Everything would be a lot less complicated now if he was.

"Right" Bea said. She couldn't afford to get swept away on this thought train right now, not before a busy night shift. She patted her jacket pocket to check she had her car keys and leaned over and kissed Theo one more time. "I'll come and collect him tomorrow. Bye Ethan."

* * *

"Is everything alright Dr Kinsella?"

Bea looked up from the computer screen at reception to find Mrs Beauchamp standing beside her. She had been staring at the screen for ten minutes, she realised. It didn't take that long to check a patient's test results. Despite her best efforts, she was having trouble focussing on the job tonight. Two hours into her shift and her mind was still back in the playground, when Theo had used the 'M' word as she strapped him into his pushchair. It was wonderful and terrifying and heart-breaking all at once, and had shocked Bea more than she realised at the time.

"Yes. Sorry Mrs Beauchamp. I'm fine." Bea muttered. She closed down the patient's file and readjusted her stethoscope.

"Are you sure? You know I'm here if you want to talk about anything."

Bea nodded and offered a weak smile. Connie had been amazing through all of this. Even before Alicia found out she was pregnant, even before their colleagues learned they were an item, Alicia had confided in Bea just how supportive their boss had been throughout her whole ordeal. Bea also suspected Connie had something to do with keeping social services at bay when it came to Theo too, but she had never asked and didn't want to know. Every day since Alicia left she expected a knock on the door and the news that a foster care placement had been found, but it hadn't happened and Bea thought she knew why. Mrs Beauchamp could be formidable when she wanted to be, and she was fiercely protective over her staff when it came to things that really mattered.

Connie didn't look convinced, but when she opened her mouth to speak she was interrupted by Duffy.

"There's been a major RTC involving a school coach" the nurse said. "The incident commander at the scene has reported upwards of 20 casualties, at least 5 critical. And they've requested a doctor on scene to help with an extraction."

Connie snapped into action. "Right" she said. "Tell Elle to suit up and ride with the first paramedic crew to go back to the scene. Tell control we have room for 3 trauma patients and maybe 10 walking wounded. We'll take it from there." She turned back to Bea. "I want you in resus with me, Dr Kinsella. Can you handle it?"

"Absolutely" Bea said. Compared to the mess of her personal life, a major trauma would be a piece of cake.

* * *

At 11:05pm Bea emerged from resus covered in blood and exhausted, but happy she had managed to save her patient for now and he was now on his way up to surgery. Who knew if he would survive the operation, but Bea had done her job and that had to be enough. If she wasted time worrying about all her patients once they'd left her care she would burn herself out.

The ED was still in chaos. The RTC was more serious than they had first thought and bruised and bloodied victims still clogged the hallways waiting to be seen. She took a moment to collect herself and spotted Dr Gardner coming out of cubicles, still in her field uniform.

"How is everything out there?" Bea asked. "Are you heading back out?"

Elle looked dog tired. "No, I think everything's under control at the scene. It looks like I could be of more use here."

Bea wasn't going to argue with that. There were never enough staff in the ED, even on a regular day shift. When something like this happened, it was all hands on deck.

"Hey" Elle said, looking over Bea's shoulder towards the entrance. "I didn't know Dr Hardy was working tonight."

Bea spun around to see Ethan rushing through the doors looking dishevelled and carrying Theo. The little boy had his duffle coat pulled on over his pyjamas and his dinosaur slippers on his feet. Bea's gut gave a lurch. "He isn't" she said to Elle, fear in her voice.

"He's fine, he's fine" Ethan said hastily after seeing the panic on Bea's face as she approached. "I got paged to come and do an extra shift, they said they needed all the help they could get."

Bea wanted to take Theo but her scrubs were splattered with blood. As much as possible she wanted to protect him from the more gruesome aspects of her job, even though he had spent a lot of time in the ED in his short little life and all the staff knew and adored him. "Who's going to look after him?" she asked.

"Sandra in Paediatrics said she'd take him for a few hours. I know it's not ideal, but…." Ethan trailed off. None of this was ideal.

"I'll take him up" Bea said in a tone of voice that dared Ethan to argue. She wasn't angry with him, of course he would come in when paged if there were lives at risk, but Bea hated that the only option there was, was to bring a toddler with him into the hospital in the middle of the night. "Let me change first."

Five minutes later and wearing fresh scrubs Bea was waiting for the lift with Theo in her arms. She marvelled at the little boy's ability to sleep soundly through almost anything and was pretty jealous of how peaceful he looked.

"Dr Kinsella." Bea turned around. Connie stopped what she was doing and walked towards her. "What's Theo doing here?"

"You paged Ethan into work" she said. She was too tired to be annoyed.

Connie signed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. "I asked the locum to page every doctor not on shift. We were run off our feet. I didn't even think."

"It's alright. The nurse on night shift on the children's ward is going to mind him. I'm just taking him up, I won't be long."

Connie looked from Bea to Theo with regret. "I'm sorry. Take your time. Listen, when things die down can I see you in my office? It's important, but I don't want you to worry."

Connie's voice was kindly but still Bea was afraid. "Sure" she replied, but she was apprehensive. The lift pinged and the doors opened. She stepped inside without another word.

* * *

Ethan worked a couple of hours, until all the victims of the coach crash had been admitted or discharged, then he had taken Theo home. Bea worked until the end of her shift. Ethan had asked if she would rather leave with Theo and he would finish her shift for her but Bea refused. Life went on. She couldn't neglect her career just because she found herself in this situation. Despite logic telling her otherwise, she still expected Alicia to come back and harboured a hope that her life would return to how it was once she did. If she fell behind at work where would she be then?

It was after 6am and the day shift would begin soon. Bea wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days, but she knew she couldn't. She'd get four hours tops before she had to go and pick up Theo from Ethan's, but it was fine, she would do it because she had to and she wouldn't complain. Her body had become used to functioning on less than a full night's sleep. That's what happened when you had a teething toddler in your care, even without chaotic shift patterns as well.

Bea found herself in Mrs Beauchamp's office at the end of her shift, as promised. She had only been waiting a few minutes when Connie knocked once and entered the room. "Dr Kinsella, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I had one last patient to admit."

Mrs Beauchamp walked around her desk and pulled out her chair, but she stopped before she sat down, leaning on the back of it instead. She could tell Bea was nervous, she didn't want to make her feel like she was being reprimanded and talking across a big wooden desk would do that. Connie walked back to Bea's side of the desk and sat down on the chair next to her instead.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. Bea shrugged. "I'm sorry about the mix up earlier, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." Bea was silent. She was too tired to respond.

Connie reached out and put her hand on Bea's. Even after all this time Bea was always surprised to see Connie's gentler, caring side come out. She was so used to the non-nonsense business-like woman that ran the ED, she sometimes forgot that she was human too. Not only that, she was also a mother.

"I haven't been here for you as much as I'd like lately, I'm sorry for that. I know this situation must be difficult."

Bea looked up and caught the older woman's eye. "I'm managing" she said rather more abruptly than she intended.

"Have you heard from Dr Munroe?"

Bea felt her chest tighten at the mention of Alicia's name but she fought to steady herself. "Not for a few weeks. I know where she is, but beyond that…" Bea trailed off. Beyond that, she didn't know. Ever since Alicia had finally told her where she was, at her Mum's new place just outside Durham, Bea had spent a lot of time fighting with herself over whether or not to go there and beg Alicia to come home. But she was scared that would do more harm than good so she stayed put. She had come to work and cared for Theo and tried to convince herself that in time Alicia would come back on her own.

"Social services got in touch with me again" Connie said cautiously. Bea sat up, startled. "Please don't panic" Connie continued. "They're fully aware of the complex nature of the situation and have no concerns about Theo's wellbeing at the moment. They want to monitor the situation, that's all."

Bea's heart began to beat faster. "They can't take him away" Bea said. She hadn't heard anything Connie had said after 'Social Services' and her mind had jumped to its own conclusions.

Connie moved her chair closer to Bea's and looked her firmly in the eye. "No one wants to take him away" she said resolutely. "All anyone wants is what's best for that little boy."

"I love him so much" Bea said. "I can't lose him." She took a deep breath. "I know how strange this must seem from the outside. No one even knew Alicia and I were together until she found out she was pregnant and then Theo was suddenly here and..." Bea stopped, she realised she was rambling. "Alicia's been through so much trauma and I don't know how to help her. It's tearing me apart. But I know she loves us, or at least she loves Theo, and I have to trust that when she's ready she'll come back home." Bea didn't realise she was crying until Connie handed her a tissue. She took it and wiped her eyes. "I love her and I've let her down. The very least I can do is look after her son. Whatever it takes to keep him until she comes back, I'll do it."

* * *

At the end of the next day, Bea sat on Ethan's couch with a warm mug of tea. Theo played with his wooden trucks on the floor at her feet and laughed with delight at whatever imaginary game he was inventing. She watched him, a wistful smile playing on her lips.

"I have to go to her Ethan. I have to try."

Ethan looked up from the medical journal he was reading with surprise. "I thought you said it was too risky, that she was too fragile?"

"I know. But Mrs Beauchamp told me today that Social Services want to check up on us and it really scared me. I can't risk Theo being taken away, even if it means destroying my relationship."

Ethan closed the journal and leaned forward. "Whatever you decide to do, Bea, I'm here for you."

Bea smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that. If I'm going to go, I need to go soon, before I lose my nerve. I cleared a few days leave with Mrs B, but I can't take Theo with me, I think it would be too much for Alicia. And I need to focus on her."

"Say no more. I would be happy to look after him."

"Thank you" Bea said. "I'm sorry I keep asking so much of you, none of this is your problem, it's not fair."

"None of this is fair, Bea. It doesn't mean I don't want to help in any way I can."

Bea looked away from Theo and stared into her tea. A sob escaped her and caught her unawares. "It's all my fault" she said, no longer trying to hide her anguish. "Alicia leaving, all of it. I should have realised sooner how much she was struggling, I should have tried harder to get her help and gone about it a different way. Then that argument… Some things I said I wish I could take back. But I was so angry and scared when I got home and found Theo alone, I lost my temper."

Ethan moved from the armchair by the window and sat next to Bea. Theo carried on with his game, oblivious. "No one realised how bad things were, Alicia hid it well. It's not on you."

"I was her partner. I should have realised."

Bea felt she should have known the depths of Alicia's depression long before that night. News of Theo's existence was such a shock for both of them, and came just as Alicia had begun to heal from all she'd been through. They were so ill prepared for Theo's arrival into the world and the hours they would spend in the hospital with him that every other aspect of their lives was neglected, even their relationship with each other. Theo was such a poorly little boy when he was born, it was months before he was well enough to go home. Bea knew how guilty Alicia felt about that, felt all his health problems were her fault, that no matter how many times Bea assured her she wasn't to blame, that she didn't know, Alicia wouldn't believe it.

Bea didn't blame Alicia for any of it, not really, but the night she got home to the baby's cries and no answer at the door, she had told Alicia exactly that. It would haunt her for the rest of her life.

After she left, Alicia had told her she needed space and Bea had respected that. She told herself it was because she believed that if she gave Alicia the space she wanted everything would work out, but the truth was Bea was scared to see her again. She was scared to see the look in Alicia's eyes as she remembered the hurtful words Bea had said to her, and she was scared that the damage that was done was beyond repair. If her relationship truly was over and if she was going to lose this little boy that she loved so much, she'd rather put off knowing for as long as possible. But Bea also knew that it wouldn't do anyone any good to wait.

"I should go tomorrow" Bea said and Ethan responded with an encouraging nod. She slid off the sofa and sat down on the floor. Theo crawled to her, his stuffed blue dinosaur in one hand and a red truck in the other and curled up on her lap. Bea's heart swelled. She loved this child more than anything and she loved his mother. She wanted her family back and she was the only person who could make that happen.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the reviews so far. Here is the next part_

 _(I've just watched this week's episode... That ciffhanger!)_

Chapter 2

"Morning" Amy greeted, a mouth full of breakfast. A few croissant crumbs fell from her mouth onto the computer keyboard. "You're in early."

Alicia dumped her handbag on the reception desk. "Hi. Yeah, I've got a lot of paperwork to file, I want to get on top of it."

"You're keen" the young receptionist said. She brushed her pink-tipped long dark hair out of her face and took another bite of her pastry.

"I just want to make a good first impression" Alicia said.

She sat down behind the desk and got to work. Alicia had never been a morning person but she thought she was doing a pretty good job of appearing perky and care-free to her new colleagues as she arrived at work. The truth was she was feeling anything but, but Alicia had grown good at hiding her feelings. It wasn't something she was proud of but right now it made her life easier. Friendly but distant was the vibe she was going with and for now, it was working.

"Oh, Dr Hughes asked me about Mrs Patterson's CT results from the hospital, can you chase them up this morning?"

"Of course" Alicia said. That's why she was there.

At 8am on the dot the phone rang for the first time. She and Amy shared a look. "I'll get it" Alicia said. "I have to learn sometime right?" She smiled at her new colleague and cleared her throat, picking up the receiver. "Good morning, Riverside Surgery. How can I help?"

Amy watched Alicia over the top of the printer that sat between them on the desk. "Was that Mrs Brown again?" she asked when Alicia had hung up.

"How did you guess?"

"Because it's always Mrs Brown first thing in the morning. What did she want?"

"She was chasing her prescription. Again. I told her we would let her know when it was ready. Again."

Amy smiled. "Good, you _are_ learning. Listen, do you fancy a drink tonight? There's Karaoke on at The Sun."

"Tonight? It's Wednesday."

"Wednesday is the new Friday, didn't you know? Come on, it could be fun."

Fun. Alicia had forgotten what that felt like. Amy nudged Alicia playfully when she hesitated and Alicia smiled at the younger woman. She reminded Alicia so much of her past self, right down to the pink hair. Maybe a drink in good company was what she needed. Just one night of letting loose and forgetting about the trail of destruction she'd left behind. "Alright" Alicia said reluctantly, "but I'm not singing."

Amy smiled triumphantly. "We'll see about that."

Later, over a mid-morning cup of tea, Alicia felt Amy's eyes on her and looked up, startled. Amy eyed her curiously. "What?" she asked when the younger girl didn't say anything.

"You've been here three weeks now and I don't know anything about you."

Alicia attempted a nonchalant shrug. "There's nothing to tell."

Amy shook her head. "I don't buy that, there's always something to tell. What was it, a bad break up?"

Alicia froze. She didn't want to be having this conversation but she couldn't be angry at Amy for wondering. Amy was a chatterbox and not shy about talking about her own chaotic love life or her crazy family. The old Alicia would have responded in kind with tales from her own life, but she just couldn't. She liked Amy, she liked the simplicity of this job and this town, she knew that if she admitted even one sordid detail about why she'd left Holby, this girl would think the worst of her, and Alicia wouldn't blame her if she did.

"Something like that" Alicia said. She plastered a smile on her face. "You're too nosy, you. Just because I know every detail of your life doesn't mean you have to know every detail of mine."

"I am nosy, I know it. But I don't need every detail, just one. Where did you grow up?"

Alicia fixed her with a look. "Doesn't my accent give it away?"

Amy smiled. "Ok, that was a stupid question." The phone rang again and this time Amy reached to pick it up. "I'll get something out of you at the pub tonight, don't you worry."

* * *

"How was work love?" Ms Munroe was standing at the kitchen sink doing the washing up when her daughter returned home. She didn't turn around. The atmosphere between them was tense. In the hallway of her mother's house, Alicia took a deep breath, steeling herself for another row. She hung up her coat and handbag, deliberately taking her time.

"It was fine" she finally answered. "How was yours?"

There was a pause. "Also fine."

"I've just popped home to change, I'm going to the pub tonight. Don't worry about dinner for me."

The lack of reply hung heavily in the air. Alicia knew her mother was judging her before she could even see her. Cautiously Alicia walked towards the kitchen.

"Do you think you should be going out?" Jackie turned to her daughter and shook the bubbles from her hands.

Alicia sighed. She felt like a teenager again, being scalded for going out with her mates instead of doing her homework. She knew deep down her mother was only worried, but all she wanted was to forget. "Mam, please, I don't want to argue with you anymore, I'm tired." Alicia sunk down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. A minute later, her mother sat down opposite and peeled Alicia's hands away gently.

"I don't want to argue either sweetheart, but I don't understand."

Alicia felt like crying. She had come here to get away from all this. Alicia had naively thought that she would run back into her Mum's arms and she'd be a little girl again, without any worries or responsibilities.

"Look Alicia, this has gone on long enough. You can't hide here forever. I'm worried about you. And I miss my grandson."

Alicia stared blankly at the table top and wouldn't meet her mother's eyes. "If you don't want me to stay here then just say."

"Of course I want you here, you're my baby girl. But I can see you need help, Alicia. More help than I can give you myself."

"I just need time Mam."

"You've had time." Ms Munroe's tone was gentle but firm. "When you first turned up I was thrilled to see you. You told me everything was fine at home and you were just here to help me move. I could see even then you weren't being straight with me but I let it go, I gave you space. But it's been four months. You got a job here for goodness sake, you don't do that if you're just planning on visiting."

"I walked out on my family!" Alicia raised her voice. She wrenched her hands away from her Mum and stood up abruptly. "The least I can do is pay my mortgage so they don't lose their house!"

Standing in the middle of the kitchen Alicia burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Jackie Munroe said, wrapping her daughter in a hug in seconds. "I didn't mean to shout. I just want to help you. Please tell me how to help you."

Alicia gulped for air and she felt like screaming. All she wanted was to escape her feelings. She had spent so long feeling guilty and hopeless and full of self-blame that she couldn't remember what it was like to feel normal. She thought if she left Holby for a little while it would magically fix everything, but her guilt had only intensified. Nobody but her Mum knew her in this town. This wasn't where she grew up, her Mum had only recently moved here and to begin with, Alicia had enjoyed the anonymity. She had found the receptionist job by chance. The GP who interviewed her seemed so desperate for someone to take the job, she didn't even ask to see Alicia's CV. Alicia admitting that she used to work in a hospital was all it took. Nobody even knew she was a doctor.

"You need to talk to someone" her mother continued. It wasn't the first time they'd gone down this road. "You know more than I do about this kind of thing, surely you can see that this isn't normal."

It was true, and the logical part of Alicia's brain could see this. But there was another part of her that couldn't see how talking to anyone would help. No amount of talking would change what had happened or what she'd done.

"Don't you miss them?"

Alicia closed her eyes. She did. So much. Without Bea around Alicia felt lost and unsteady. She hadn't realised just how much she needed her until she was no longer there. Alicia nodded slowly.

"Then pick up the phone" her Mum pleaded. "It's not too late."

"It is" Alicia said in a whisper. "What kind of person abandons their child?"

"The kind of person who is sick and in desperate need of help." Alicia's mother shook her slightly. "What you've been through is unimaginable. You need help to get through it. I know it's been a long time, but there's no time limit on these things."

Alicia knew all this, of course she did. If a patient had presented to her with the same history and symptoms as she knew she had she would have referred them to a councillor in a heartbeat. But from the inside it was not the same. She just felt numb. "I'll be late to meet Amy" Alicia finally said. She was running away from this conversation just like she was running away from her life. She grabbed her bag and left the house again without even changing her clothes.

* * *

"Here you go" Amy said. She plonked two large gin and tonics on the table and a little sloshed over the side. She slid into the booth opposite Alicia.

"Thanks" Alicia said. "The next one's on me. I need this, believe me."

"Oh?" Amy sipped her drink through a straw, her dark hair fell over her shoulder and she flicked it out of the way.

Alicia sighed. She knew this girl's curiosity wouldn't be satisfied if Alicia didn't give her something, and maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing at all. Alicia could choose what people knew about her for once. It felt liberating. "I'm staying with my Mam for a while" Alicia said slowly. She took a gulp of her own drink to fortify her. "Things were bad at home, I needed a break."

"So it is man trouble" Amy said, a bit too delighted at the thought she was right. She coughed quickly and wiped the grin off her face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to seem so happy about that. But I'm right aren't I? So spill. Boyfriend? Husband? Sugar Daddy?!"

The fact she was in a relationship with a woman was probably the least shocking thing about Alicia's life at this point, and this news might get Amy off her back for a while. She liked this girl, it was nice to have a friend in this town, she didn't want to flat out tell her to back off and mind her own business any more than she wanted to spill every detail.

"Not _man_ trouble, no."

The look on Amy's face as realisation dawned on her would have been comical if Alicia wasn't so nervous. "No way" Amy said. She leaned forward across the table and her hair fell in her drink. "You're a lesbian?"

Alicia paused. Was this a mistake? But she couldn't backtrack now. "I'm not sure what I am" she said. "It wasn't _girls_ exactly, it was just one girl. We used to work together."

"And she's the reason you left?"

Alicia swallowed another large swig of gin. She was already regretting this. "Only partly. But we had an argument." Understatement of the year. But that was all Alicia was willing to disclose for now. She grabbed Amy's hand and tried to pull her from the booth. "So, how about this Karaoke then?"

"It doesn't start for 20 minutes. And besides, you said you wouldn't sing. So come on, where did you live?"

Alicia found herself growing hot and the gin was making her head buzz. Earlier it was the effect she was looking for but now she just felt paranoid. But it was stupid, this girl was just being friendly, there was nothing to be paranoid about.

"How old are you Amy?" Alicia asked. Now it was her turn to be curious.

Amy was seemingly undeterred by the abrupt change in subject. "24" she answered. "For another two weeks at least."

Amy definitely reminded Alicia of herself at that age. Curious about life and eager to make friends. But then life happened and she had closed herself off more and more from everyone around her. But tonight she felt good, she felt relaxed, like she herself was back to being 24 without a care in the world. It was nice, she felt free.

"Enough about me" Amy continued. "I want to hear more about this girl."

* * *

The gin and the music and the laughter around her as the evening wore on began to weigh Alicia down. Drunk and paranoid, she'd pulled Amy from the noisy pub out into the cool night air. "I have to go" Alicia remembered saying, concentrating so hard on not slurring her words that it came out abruptly. She hailed a taxi and left Amy standing on the pavement outside the pub, a look of bewilderment on her face.

What had begun as a care free evening quickly took a turn. The more Alicia drunk and the more she talked, she felt the weight of the situation she had tried so hard to escape begin to crush her. In the back of the taxi, Alicia took out her phone and the lock screen illuminated in the darkness. Alicia knew it was dangerous to keep her wallpaper the same if she wanted to keep her past hidden, but she couldn't bring herself to change it. She loved this photo and her heart lifted every time she looked at it.

It was a black and white shot of Bea and Theo smiling in the sunshine. It was just any other warm spring day in the park, there was nothing particularly special about the day, but Alicia remembered how happy they were. She struggled to hold onto that, especially now. But when she was at her lowest point, and Alicia had felt that way continuously for months now, she looked at that photo and remembered, if only for a second, that they were happy as a family once.

Admitting Bea existed to someone else in this town had unlocked something in Alicia. She had continued to drink and play her admission off nonchalantly to Amy. She tried to dance and have fun, laughing at the terrible vocals on the karaoke machine, but it was like she opened a flood gate and the guilt that rushed forth threatened to overwhelm her. It became too much, and she had to get out of there.

She had denied Theo. Denied him by omission, but denied him nonetheless. Because how do you admit to a near stranger that you have a child that you left in a different city without them judging you? You couldn't.

She stared at Theo's happy little face on her phone background as he laughed at the camera, and the look in Bea's eyes as she wrapped her arms around him and watched him lovingly. This photo was the reason Alicia could justify to herself most of the time her decision to leave. She knew Theo was in safe, loving hands. The love Bea had for their son was undeniable and Alicia knew Bea would take care of him better than she could.

"Is this it, Love?"

The cabbie looked at Alicia in his rear view mirror and she blinked, her eyes wet with tears. She looked out the window as if she wasn't sure where she was going but saw they had already arrived at her Mum's house. "Er, yeah. Thank you." She handed over her cash and hurried out of the car without waiting for her change.

It was a little after midnight when Alicia let herself in the front door but she could see the kitchen light was on and her mother was waiting for her at the table.

"Why are you up Mam?" Alicia asked. She took a few deep breaths to try and stop her head swimming. She felt like she was 16 again sneaking home from a party with her best mate and trying to pretend she wasn't drunk on Bacardi Breezers.

Jackie smiled. She didn't seem angry, just tired. "I was waiting for you."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did" she said simply, standing up from the table. "I'm your mother and I'm worried about you."

This time Alicia didn't argue. She dropped her handbag on the floor and threw her arms around her mum, burying her face deep into her dressing-gown. "I'm sorry Mam" she sobbed. "I just wanted to forget for a little while but it didn't help, it only made me feel worse."

Ms Munroe stroked her daughter's hair soothingly and kissed the top of her head. "Shh, darling. It's alright."

"It's not though, is it? None of this is alright." Alicia sniffed and received a warm comforting arm around her shoulders. "I don't mean I wanted to forget about Bea and Theo, I mean I wanted to forget the mess I've made of my life." She pulled away enough to see her mother's face, trying desperately to read her expression and see whether she was understood.

"I know what you mean" she reassured her. "I know you love them and you want what's best." She laughed slightly and Alicia realised she was crying too. "It's what all good mothers want for their children. You are a good mother."

"I don't think I'm what's best for him" Alicia admitted. She felt like her tears might choke her.

There was a long pause while Ms Munroe decided what to say. She hadn't seen her daughter this fragile for a long time, not since Theo's birth. She would never forget the look of utter shock and confusion on Alicia's face at the sight of this tiny brand new little human that had suddenly appeared in her life unannounced, and she saw in her eyes that Alicia was just as lost now.

"We'll just have to work to change your mind" she finally said. "But you have to want that. You have to want to get better."

"I'm not sure I can" Alicia admitted. "And after all I've done I don't know if Bea will want me back."

Jackie Munroe held Alicia's face in her hands and wiped her tears away with her thumbs. "Are you kidding me? That girl loves you. I've seen those messages she sends you every morning. And I've seen her with Theo. She loves that child of yours too."

"He's our child, Mam" Alicia said, adamantly. Bea may not have given birth to Theo, he may not have any of her genes, but she was just as much his mother as Alicia was. More so recently, in all the ways that mattered. "I miss them."

* * *

Ethan took the stairs two at a time and found the nursery door ajar and Bea sitting on the floor with a glum looking Theo cradled in her lap. He'd had a spare key to the house for years now but rarely used it. He felt odd letting himself into someone else's home, especially when he knew the occupant was home, but Bea had sounded so upset on the phone he put his misgivings aside.

"He has a temperature" Bea said. She touched her cheek to the top of Theo's head and he felt hot and clammy to the touch. "He was up most of the night with a bad cough. I shouldn't leave him, not today.

Ethan watched Bea cradle the boy and knew that she was thinking back to all those times when he was really small and caught bugs so easily it felt at the time that he was constantly ill. Alicia didn't get the pre-natal care she needed and didn't look after herself as she should've. He was born a little prematurely and needed a lot of help in his first few weeks and months of life. It was nobody's fault, both Bea and Ethan had tried so hard to make Alicia believe that. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

Ethan crouched down on the rug. "I'll keep an eye on him, you know I will. I'm a trained medical professional too." He tried to crack a joke to lift the atmosphere but all he got in return from Bea was a sad smile. Theo clung to her sweatshirt.

"He won't let me put him down" Bea said. "Every time I try to put him in his crib he starts screaming." If Bea had her way, she'd never put him down, ever. But that wasn't helpful or practical. Out in the hallway her bag was packed and her train ticket was booked and waiting for her at the station, but all the arrangements she'd made when she was adamant that she would go to Alicia and bring her home, or at the very least talk to her face to face, were falling by the wayside.

"He'll be fine" Ethan said. "And you'll be back before you know it. Bea, I think you need to do this, for all of your sakes. You've been living in limbo since Alicia left and I can see what it's doing to you. If I could go and bring her back I would in a heartbeat, but it has to be you."

Bea nodded slowly but closed her eyes. "Is there any hope? What if she's gone for good?"

Ethan patted Bea's arm. "I don't believe she has, not for a minute. There's always hope."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Alicia wasn't sure what reception she'd get arriving at work that morning. Whether Amy would be angry at her for bailing the way she did the night before, or freaked out by any of the things Alicia told her. Alicia's head was pounding, she was deeply hungover and emotionally and physically exhausted. She didn't know how she'd dragged herself out of bed and into the show that morning but somehow she managed it, and now she was here, only two minutes late.

She found Amy already at the reception desk staring into her coffee so hard it looked like she was willing it to cure all her problems. When she looked up Alicia offered her a sheepish smile. "How are you feeling?"

Amy replied with a groan but then gathered herself enough to sit up straight and look presentable by the time Alicia had walked through the partition to the right side of the desk. They would have to face the public when the doors to the surgery opened in half an hour, they may as well practice appearing alert and human now.

"Are you alright Alicia?" she asked. "Last night you left in such a hurry, I was worried about you. Did something happen?"

Yes. So much happened to explain her behaviour, but none of that stuff happened last night. The damage had been done long ago.

"Because if you're feeling weird about what you told me about having a girlfriend, I want you to know that you shouldn't, I don't care about that."

Alicia sighed. She was being so sweet and understanding without knowing why Alicia was upset, and it only made Alicia feel worse. Would she be as understanding when, or if, she ever learned the full picture of Alicia's past?

"I appreciate that, thank you" Alicia said. She left it at that.

"Have you got any asprin?" Amy asked. "You'd think there'd be all the drugs around here but apparently not."

"Sorry" Alicia said smiling. "But can pop out to the shop on my break if you're not up to moving."

"That would be ace" Amy said. "I definitely don't see myself leaving this chair in the foreseeable future. Unless it's to run to the toilet to throw up."

"Lovely. You had a good night after I left then?"

Amy only smiled coyly. "Who's our first patient of the day?" She said, not being subtle about changing the subject.

Alicia typed her password into the computer terminal and brought up the appointment list. "Mr Granger at 8am for Dr Hughes and Mrs Rogers for Dr Kirkland. There's also the baby clinic at ten." Alicia read that last entry and her words caught in her throat. She wasn't sure how she'd react to that, given her emotional state last night. She would just have to see.

"Oh great" Amy said. "Screaming kids will really do wonders for my hangover."

* * *

Bea slept most of the train ride from Holby. Since Theo didn't sleep much the night before it meant Bea didn't either. She felt a bit guilty about how relieved she was to get some peace, but she needed that break and that nap. She awoke bleary eyed to the guard shaking her awake and informing her they were at the last stop. She gathered up her bags and stumbled onto the platform.

She knew in her heart of hearts she'd done the right thing coming here, but that didn't mean it was easy leaving the house when she could hear Theo's cries as she closed the front door and left Ethan to try and settle him. Bea knew that in the long run having Alicia back was better for him than a morning of cuddles ever could be, but that didn't make it easy.

Bea found a coffee shop on the high street and settled down for a late morning coffee and muffin. She told herself she needed to gather her thoughts and really consider what she was going to say to Alicia when she finally saw her again after all these months. But the truth was she was stalling. She had Alicia's mum's address, she didn't know whether Alicia would be there or not in the middle of the day but that was the place to start, but she was scared of what might happen when she turned up unannounced.

Her worry was she would drive Alicia further away. But all her life Bea had never been any good at sitting around waiting for things to happened. If she lost Alicia because she didn't do anything that would be harder to bare than losing her because she did do something. Her father had raised her to fight for what she wanted, perhaps because he found it difficult to do that himself. And what Bea wanted more than life itself was her family back together again.

When Bea had plucked up enough courage, she made her way to the address she had been given by Jackie Munroe back when Alicia first left, when she'd messaged Bea to let her know that Alicia was here and she was safe. At the time Bea thought Alicia would be back within the week. How wrong she was.

Bea rang the doorbell and heard footsteps approaching. But she could tell straight away that they weren't Alicia's and her nerves eased. Ms Munroe opened the door and welcomed Bea with a hug. Bea returned it, and it was strange. When Alicia first told her mother about her relationship with Bea, the woman struggled a lot to accept it, perhaps because of the way her own marriage to Alicia's father had ended after learning he was having an affair with another man. But with everything that had happened since, that was all in the past and Bea liked Alicia's mum a lot. She hadn't grown up with a mum herself and was jealous of the close mother/daughter relationship they had.

"How's my little grandson?" Ms Munroe asked, leading the way back into the house. Bea was glad that was the question she led with and not 'Why are you here?' or 'Why did you not come sooner?' Bea was happy to talk about Theo. The bigger stuff could wait a bit longer.

"He was a little sniffly when I left this morning but otherwise he's great" Bea said. She was trying to convince herself too. "Ethan's looking after him for the weekend. You remember Dr Hardy?"

Jackie looked surprised. Of course she would remember Dr Hardy. Her astonishment that he wold be involved in Bea's childcare arrangements given his long and complicated history with Alicia clearly showed on her face.

"He's great with Theo" Bea continued, reading her shocked look. "Everyone at the ED is, actually. Robyn and Charlie and Duffy. Even Mrs Beauchamp has offered to look after him once or twice. I was pretty shocked about that too." Both women smiled and there was a silence that was, while not exactly comfortable, at least not filled with tension. Bea swallowed. "I take it Alicia isn't home."

Jackie walked over to the counter and began busying herself filling the kettle and fetching mugs. "No. She's at work."

"Work?" Now it was Bea's turn to be shocked.

Immediately Jackie stopped what she was doing. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew. It's only temporary but she was going to send some money to you for the mortgage. She didn't want you to have to worry about that."

Bea wasn't sure how she felt about this news. Was she happy that Alicia cared enough to think about making her mortgage payments? Or angry that she had been here long enough to even consider getting a job? Bea didn't need money, she just needed Alicia. If the three of them ended up living in a tent in the park it wouldn't matter as long as they were together.

"Where?" Bea managed to squeak out. Her mouth was suddenly dry and she had trouble forming words.

"At the doctor's surgery in town. On reception." Ms Munroe sighed. "She's not told anyone here she's a doctor, much less any other details about her life. She's more of less been hiding out in this house in denial. I don't know what I can do for her anymore. I'm glad you're here Bea, if anyone can get through to her it's you." She turned and headed towards a notepad hung on the wall by the phone. "Here, let me write down the address."

* * *

It was only lunchtime but Alicia felt like she'd done a whole day's work already. She was back to feeling mostly like herself, her headache had faded. Keeping busy had done what she hoped it would and kept her mind off her emotional turmoil. She had felt off balance all morning and it took a few hours for her to realise why. She hadn't got a message from Bea.

She was probably at work, Alicia told herself, elbow deep in some trauma. But one unwelcome thought niggled at the back of her mind; that Bea had finally given up. Alicia crossed the road to the sandwich shop with everyone's late lunch orders. She pulled her coat tightly around her body to keep out the autumn chill and tried to push all thoughts of what the lack of a morning 'I love you' from Bea might mean.

* * *

Bea had been sitting on a wall outside a barbershop within sight of the doctor's surgery for close to an hour but hadn't gone inside. She didn't know what she was waiting for really, she didn't really believe in meaningful signs and if she sat here much longer people would start to think she was stalking someone. Not that was far from the truth actually, but Bea didn't fancy having to explain.

She had gone to the Holiday Inn to dump her bags after leaving the house. She needed that time to process what she'd learnt from Jackie Munroe and was sitting here trying to figure out how she would feel when she finally saw Alicia again.

But then she didn't need to wonder anymore. Bea had watched people walk in and out of the surgery the whole time she'd been sitting here, but when the glass doors swung open again and another figure emerged Bea was in no doubt that that was Alicia. She watched her cross the road and go into a deli and her heart began to pound in anticipation. She stood up without realising, as though an invisible power was drawing her towards Alicia.

Alicia pulled open the doors to the doctors' surgery on her return and fumbled with the paper bags filled with sandwiches that she was trying not to drop. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't notice anyone standing by the path until she heard someone say her name in a familiar Irish accent. She froze.

She let go of the door and it swung shut with a dull thud. Alicia turned around slowly, not quite believing that her ears weren't playing tricks on her. But if they were, then her eyes were in on the joke. It was definitely Bea, and Alicia let out an involuntary gasp of surprise. Alicia had spent many hours wondering how she would react to seeing her girlfriend again but she wasn't prepared for the reality. When she saw Bea standing there her heart gave a jolt and all she wanted to do was run into her arms. But she stopped herself. She didn't have that right anymore.

"Bea."

"Hey" Bea replied. She seemed frozen to the spot too. Alicia noticed how nervous she looked, like she was waiting for Alicia to shout at her or flee. After realising that neither of these things were going to happen immediately, Bea's shoulders visibly relaxed.

"What are you doing here?" Alicia asked. She didn't know what else to say.

There were about 6 feet between them and Bea finally managed to regain the use of her legs and took a step forward towards Alicia. She did so slowly, fighting every muscle in her body which wanted her to run. "I've come for you" she said plainly. "I've come to take you home."

"How did you find me?"

"I went to you mum's house, she sent me here."

Alicia broke eye contact and looked at the ground. Home. She didn't know where that was anymore. "Have you brought Theo?"

Bea shook her head. "He's with Ethan. I thought it would be too much for him. And for you. I have pictures and videos though. If you want."

Alicia looked up and a tear fell from her eye. She blinked. She still couldn't believe Bea was here. It was strange somehow, this town seemed so removed from her life in Holby it was a shock to have the two come together. "I don't know what to say" she said. She was trying hard not to cry and was kind of angry at herself for doing so. She had no right to cry, she was the one that had left. Bea was the one that should be crying but her face was so open and hopeful now that it only made Alicia want to cry more.

"You don't need to say anything" Bea said. "Not yet." She closed the gap between them completely then, and before Alicia knew it Bea had her arms around her. Alicia hugged back, bewildered but happy. She still clutched the lunch bags but returned the hug apprehensively.

"I've missed you" Bea said into Alicia's hair. Alicia closed her eyes and allowed just one moment of enjoyment. She took in Bea's scent and the feel of her soft hair on her cheek.

"How is Theo?" Alicia asked when they pulled apart. She didn't mistake the beaming smile that enveloped Bea's features at the mention of his name.

"He's perfect" Bea replied. Now wasn't the time to get into anything. She hadn't seen Alicia for four months, she wanted to enjoy this moment. No doubt later on there would be heightened emotions and cross words exchanged, but for now only this.

* * *

They needed to talk, but Alicia couldn't face a noisy pub or a crowded restaurant, not tonight. She wanted to have Bea to herself. She wanted to be able to talk openly without fear of being overheard. But now that they were alone in her mum's house, she wondered whether it might have been better to be in public. They sat on opposite sides of the kitchen table now. It was awkward, an oddly formal way to have such an intimate conversation with someone you used to share your life and your bed with.

"You got a job, Alicia? Come on." Bea was struggling to understand and struggling even more to hide her frustration.

"I didn't want you to have to worry about money" Alicia said, but with Bea sitting opposite her now, she realised how stupid that sounded.

"We don't need money, baby. We need you." Bea noticed how subdued Alicia seemed, how unlike her former enthusiastic and bubbly self. She said she was doing fine, but anyone could see that wasn't the truth. She looked defeated.

Alicia shook her head. She didn't believe Bea, not one bit. "When I left things had got so bad. I couldn't stand the tension, I know you couldn't either. That fight we had..."

"We both said things we didn't mean. You're right, things between us weren't great, but you leaving made me realise how much I want that to change, how much I want to fight for what we have."

"What I did… that night, leaving Theo, it's unforgivable."

"You weren't well" Bea said. She leaned across the table, as if that would make Alicia believe what she was saying more. "It's not your fault. Honestly, I blame myself. I didn't realise how bad things were. I should have realised you weren't ready to care to Theo on your own."

"I tried to hide it. I thought if I just pushed through, all the negative feelings would go away. I should have talked to you."

"I should have realised on my own. I hate myself that I didn't, that you were suffering and I didn't notice. I was so caught up in looking after Theo that I neglected you."

"No, that's how it should be. I don't blame you for that, not at all. Theo is all that matters."

"That's not true. We matter. You matter."

"No" Alicia said adamantly. "When you have a child, they're supposed to become your whole world. I saw how you are with him and I was jealous. Growing up I always dreamed of having children. I had all these ideas about the kind of mum I'd be. I thought I'd be so much better at it than I am."

"It's not too late. I promise. If you love him, it's not too late."

"I do love him, so much. That's why I left. How will he feel growing up with a parent who resents his existence? It sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't say this to be cruel, I love that little boy so much, but all I see whenever I look at him is Eddie."

Bea shook her head defiantly. She reached out and grabbed Alicia's hand. "No. He has big blue eyes and a face full of freckles. He's so kind and full of life. He's all you, Alicia. When I look at him, all I see is you."

Alicia smiled. She was touched by Bea's words but it wasn't enough. The feelings of guilt she felt couldn't be wiped away as easily as that. "It's not Theo's fault. No one can choose who their parents are. But I know I never would have gone through with the pregnancy if I had any other choice and that's the truth."

Bea looked away. It hurt her to hear that but she understood. She loved Theo and wouldn't change his place in the world for anything, but having him nearly ripped Alicia apart. She had finally begun to come to terms with her rape, she was moving on after the trial and trying to forget. And then she had collapsed at work and tests revealed she was 24 weeks pregnant. It was a shock to both of them, but especially Alicia of course. Neither her nor Bea understood how they had missed the fact she was pregnant, and assurances from the doctor that concealed pregnancies were more common than you'd think didn't do anything to help.

One tearful night three weeks before Theo was born Alicia had broken down in Bea's arms and admitted that if she wasn't past the legal limit to have a termination she would have done. Bea held her and they both cried and Bea promised, not for the first time, that she wasn't going anywhere and would be there for Alicia always.

"You remember what a mess I was when we found out, I nearly lost my mind." Bea was snapped out of her thoughts by Alicia's voice. "I felt like I had no control over my own life. I was scared, and angry at this tiny baby who wasn't even born yet and hadn't asked to be conceived. I hated my own kid before I'd even met him."

"Maybe" Bea said, her mind flashing back to that time. But unlike Alicia who only seemed to remember the bad, Bea instead focused on the glimmers of happiness that shone through those dark memories. "But I also remember the look of wonder on your face when he was born and the midwife handed him to you. I remember us painting the nursery together and choosing his name. It wasn't all terrible, was it?"

"I think about the future" Alicia said, side stepping Bea's question. "When Theo grows up and asks who his father is, what are we going to tell him? I can't imagine how it would make a person feel knowing they exist because…" Alicia trailed off. She couldn't finish that sentence, it was too difficult.

Despite herself, Bea smiled. Hearing Alicia talk about the future, even surrounding such a hard conversation she would never be ready to have filled her with hope.

Alicia caught the odd expression on her face. "What?"

"You're thinking about the future."

"Of course I am. I want a future with you Bea, I'm just not sure I'm ready yet."

And just like that the hope was dampened. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I can't keep doing this, Alicia. I can't keep talking in circles. You say something that makes me think you want to come home and really try to work things through, but then you run scared. I want to move forward with my life, I feel like I've been treading water all these months waiting to lose you for good and I can't take it anymore."

Bea put both her hands on the table, a gesture that showed she was putting all her cards on the table. On the train up here she had told herself she wouldn't put pressure on Alicia, that she'd take it slowly and gently, but she so passionately wanted this to work she reneged on her promise. She wasn't proud of it, but she wasn't beyond blackmail, not when there was so much at stake.

"I'm scared that if you don't come back they'll take Theo away. I love that kid so damn much, Alicia. I can't lose him."

Bea and Alicia locked eyes and they knew they were thinking about the same awful night when something in Alicia had finally snapped. Home alone with the baby and unable to stop his screams, she had left him in his crib and fled the house. Alicia could still hear the sound of the front door slamming behind her. That single thoughtless action nearly cost her everything.

This memory shocked Alicia out of the inward spiral her thoughts had taken. "Adopt him" she said. The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them, but she persevered. "I mean it, you were going to anyway. I'll sign whatever you need."

Bea squeezed her eyes tight, ready to burst. "That's not what I meant" she said. Her frustration was bubbling dangerously close to the surface. She didn't want to shout. Because the last argument they'd had led to Alicia walking straight out the door and she didn't want to spend another 4 months without her.

"I should go" Bea said, standing up from the table. "I don't want to fight with you, and I'm afraid I'll lose my temper if I stay. I'll find you tomorrow, we'll talk again." If ultimatums were her thing, Bea might have said that if Alicia didn't want that she would fight her for Theo, that he was the only thing that truly mattered in all of this. But it wasn't her style.

At the door she turned back around to Alicia to deliver her parting words. "Alicia, I love you. I want you to get well and I want you home with me and our son. You have to decide if you want those things too."

* * *

Bea lay on the hotel bed in the dark, fully clothed on top of the covers. She'd been in her hotel room for hours but she hadn't even undressed, let alone slept. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she wanted to put her fist through the wall. It shouldn't be this hard, loving someone. She was angry at Alicia, she was angry at herself, but above all else she was angry at the universe for conspiring against them.

All she wanted was to be happy, and Alicia and Theo made her happy. In a perfect world it would be as simple as that, all the pieces of the puzzle would slot into place, but this world was far from perfect and Bea felt powerless to do anything about it. On one hand she wanted to stay in this town as long as it took to convince Alicia that Holby was where she belonged. On the other hand, it hadn't even been one night and Bea missed Theo so much it hurt. She had pestered Ethan all day for updates. Ethan assured her that there was nothing seriously wrong with Theo. He only had a little bit of a cold but was already getting better and he seemed happy enough that Uncle Ethan was the one taking care of him.

Despite all he'd been through, Theo was quite a happy little boy. He was smiley and playful and not fazed at meeting strangers. All the time he'd spent hanging out in the ED could be thanked for that. Meeting Theo, you'd never have any idea about his traumatic entrance to the world or the hard start to life he had, or even the uncertain state of his home life. He was a resilient child, and Bea hoped that would always be the case. God knows, he'd need to be.

Bea's phone rang and the fumbled in the dark to pick it up. She expected it to be Ethan but she squinted at the display and was surprised to see Alicia's name instead.

"Alicia?" Bea's voice came out as a squeak. She reached over and switched on the bedside lamp.

"I'm so glad you answered" Alicia said on the other end of the line. Her voice was quiet. "I didn't think you would."

"What is it?"

"To see you. I'm outside. What's your room number?"

Even as she said the number out loud Bea wondered whether it was a mistake. She wanted a break from fighting. She was afraid they'd just go round and round in circles again, that nothing would be resolved and they'd only be more upset with each other and more wound up. But she didn't think for long. Hearing Alicia's voice, knowing she was so close by, Bea wasn't strong enough to resist.

"207."

"Unlock the door."

Ten minutes later the door hinges creaked and Alicia was standing in Bea's hotel room. It felt like hours to Bea, time seemed to stand still as she waited.

"Sorry" Alicia said. She removed her coat and threw it over the back of the chair. "I had to sneak past security."

Bea was sitting on the edge of the bed, bleary eyed and disorientated. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you. I couldn't leave things the way they were when you left the house."

"We won't solve anything tonight" Bea said softly. "I think we both need a break from talking. Today has been a lot, for both of us."

Alicia walked towards Bea and took hold of both her hands. "I didn't come here to talk, Bea." Alicia pulled Bea to her feet and Bea was powerless to stop it. In the dim light Bea tried to search Alicia's face for some clue as to why she had really come and she got her answer when Alicia leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I've missed you. I love you too."

Bea closed her eyes. She could feel Alicia's breath on her cheek and smell her shampoo. It made her want to melt into her arms and stay there. "I've missed you too" Bea managed to say, and it was a wonder coherent words left her mouth, so lost was she in Alicia's scent and the feel of her hands in hers. "But this isn't a good idea, there's so much we need to sort out before we can even think…"

Alicia silenced Bea with a kiss. Quick and tender and right on the lips. "There will be plenty of time for that" she said. "I don't want to talk." She pulled away and looked Bea straight in the eyes, pleading with her to agree, wearing her down with her touch. Her hands travelled up Bea's arms and across her back.

Bea didn't fight it. This time it was Bea who initiated the kiss. It was slow and deep and hungry. The rational part of Bea's brain was shut off when Alicia kissed her.

Alicia needed this, although she couldn't quite articulate why. She supposed she wanted to remember what it was like in the beginning between them. When she was healing and happy and before Theo appeared on the scene. Although of course he was always there, hiding, even when nobody knew it, waiting to change their lives forever.

Alicia loved her son deeply. But it was a complicated love. Other mothers she'd known had led her to believe that a mother's love for her child was the purest, simplest form of love there was that Alicia had found that was far from the case. Tonight she didn't want to think about him, as bad as that thought was. The simplest thought in Alicia's mind in that moment was how much she wanted Bea.

"You won't always be able to shut me up with a kiss you know" said Bea, breathless.

"I know" Alicia replied, but she smiled and did just that again before they melted into each other's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello. I really hope someone out there is reading and enjoying this story. I've certainly enjoyed writing it and I'm quite proud of the result. If you are enjoying it I would love to hear what you think._

Chapter 4

Bea awoke to an empty bed and a message notification from Ethan. It turned out to be a video of Theo at breakfast, porridge smeared across his chubby cheeks as he danced along to whatever pop song was playing on the radio. It was a source of amusement for Bea that Theo seemed to love all the music Ethan hated and insisted on it being played at any opportunity. She watched the video four or five times as she lay in bed. Seeing her child's smiling face was the right way to begin the day, she needed all the positive energy she could get before she'd be forced to deal with the fact that Alicia was gone.

Bea wanted so much to wake up in Alicia's arms. It was true that she was here trying to convince Alicia to come home, in large part for Theo, but she couldn't deny that she was here for selfish reasons too. She missed Alicia's company and she missed her warmth. Bea felt like she had got a little of that back last night but this morning the magic was broken the moment Bea opened her eyes and realised that Alicia wasn't in the room and her things had gone. Her heart sank.

Bea pushed back the covers and sat up in bed. The movement of the duvet dislodged a piece of paper and it fluttered to the floor on the side of the bed Alicia had fallen asleep in last night. Bea stretched down and retrieved it. On the hotel note paper left on the desk was the following message:

 _I had to leave for work. You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. Last night was wonderful. I've missed waking up beside you. If you want to talk later you can find me at work, but there's no pressure. A x_

Bea held the piece of paper in her hands and stared at the words. She knew what this meant, she knew Alicia well enough by now that could read the subtext as clearly as the actual words. It said she was scared. It said she was fearful that Bea would decide that she wasn't worth it after all and would wake up in the morning and tell her she regretted it. Alicia was giving Bea an out. It had happened before.

From the first time they tried to sleep together and Alicia had a panic attack, to when she found out she was pregnant and told Bea she didn't have to stay, Alicia had given Bea countless opportunities to get out. But Bea had not considered leaving her for a moment. Hard or not, Bea had made up her mind that Alicia was the one and Bea Kinsella was not the kind of person to quit. Sure, her life might have been easier without Alicia and Theo, but just because something was hard didn't mean it wasn't worth having, and Bea couldn't imagine her life now without either of them.

She wished Alicia had woken her up, she wished she was still here now, and above all she wished that Alicia could see that she could trust Bea to be there for her no matter what. Alicia had kept so much of what she was feeling to herself until it all got too much, if she had only confided in Bea sooner how much she was struggling things may not have gotten so bad.

Bea wanted to run to Alicia now and tell her all of this, but she had to give her space. She knew Alicia would be anxious and replaying every moment of yesterday over and over in her mind wondering what she should have done differently. Bea needed to give her time to process everything so even though it would be hard to resist, Bea had to wait.

* * *

"Are you alright? Your mind has been somewhere else all morning."

Alicia blinked. It took a second for her to realise she was at work and Dr Kirkland was leaning over the reception desk waiting for Alicia to answer a question she hadn't even heard. The doctor smiled kindly as she pushed her glasses up her nose.

Alicia was embarrassed. She sat up straighter and tried her best to focus. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you had called all Dr Hughes' patients to let them know that he wouldn't be in today. Honestly, he couldn't have picked a worse time to catch the flu."

"Risk of the job I suppose" Alicia said.

Dr Kirkland nodded. "Unfortunately. Do you have Luke Pearson's ECG print out?"

Alicia shifted some papers aside on her desk and handed the page to the doctor. Dr Kirkland studied Alicia for a moment before she took the paper. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Alicia wondered what she looked like, why it was so obvious to this woman that there was something the matter with her. But doctors become fine tuned to reading peoples expressions, sometimes a first impression of a person was more truthful in diagnosing the problem than anything they say. Alicia remembered that much, because she was the same way."

"I just have a lot on my mind" Alicia said, trying for a smile. "But don't worry, it won't affect my work."

Amy looked away from her screen when Dr Kirkland had left reception. "You do look troubled, now you mention it" she said.

Alicia couldn't handle his much attention this morning, no matter how well meaning. She had rushed out of Bea's hotel room in a hurry, afraid to face what happened last night, what she instigated. Alicia thought burying her head in her job might be the answer but actually, what she realised she needed was time to be alone and think clearly about what it meant. She felt she needed to figure that out before she saw Bea again. But judging by the number of people in the crowded waiting room and the phone that wouldn't stop ringing there wasn't a lot of chance she would get that here today.

The sliding doors parted and yet another patient walked up to the desk. A worried looking woman tucked her blonde hair nervously behind her ears. She guided a rather ill looking young girl. She looked pale and weak, her mothers hand on her back seemingly all that was keeping her standing.

"Hi, morning" the woman said. "We're here to see Dr. Kirkland. The name's Alexandra Bryant. Please, my daughter's in a lot of pain. She cut her arm quite badly you see, I think the stitches need looking at."

Alicia nodded, but kept her eyes on the girl even as she checked her in. She was about eleven with long light brown hair and a bandaged arm. "Don't worry, someone will be with you just as soon as we can."

"There's a bit of a wait I'm afraid" Amy piped up. "But have a seat and we'll get to you as soon as we can."

The woman gave a strained smile but didn't fuss. Alicia watched the mother and daughter drift into the waiting area and find two empty seats. She watched them through the partition and her brow furrowed. "Did she look well?" Alicia asked, but she wasn't really talking to Amy, more to herself.

"What?"

"That girl. She didn't look good at all."

"Most people who come here don't" Amy said matter-of-factly and went back to whatever she was doing.

"No, I mean…" Without really thinking about what she was doing, Alicia walked out from behind the desk and went towards the mother and daughter. Amy watched her go, her mouth open in surprise.

Alicia crouched down on the ground in front of the young patient. "How do you feel Alexandra?" Alicia asked.

The woman had her arm around the girl and she gave her a squeeze. "You're holding up aren't you Lexi?" She turned to Alicia. "We'll wait, don't worry, I know everyone here needs the doctor too."

Alicia's heart began to beat faster. She knew she was overstepping in her current role as 'GP receptionist' but she couldn't ignore her medical training and she had a bad feeling about this girl's health. "Lexi, is your arm really sore?"

The girl nodded. "It looks nasty too."

"Do you feel dizzy at all? Or sick?"

Lexi nodded again. "I kind of can't breathe."

"Is it alright if I have a look at your arm?" Alicia asked. The mother looked like she was about to protest, but didn't speak. Lexi nodded and Alicia slowly peeled back the bandage. The wound was angry and red and definitely infected.

The mother gasped. "It didn't look like that before" she said.

Alicia took a deep breath. Even as she said these words she realised how they must sound, coming from a receptionist, but it wasn't important what people thought of her right now, what was important was this little girl. "I think we should call an ambulance" she said and the look of alarm and scepticism on the mother's face was exactly what she would expect to see.

"What? Can't we just wait for the doctor?"

"There's no time" Alicia said and stood up in a hurry. She walked quickly to the corridor where all the treatment rooms were located, pulling her phone out of her pocket as she went. She banged on the door to Dr Kirkland's room but opened it without waiting for an answer. Dr Kirkland wasn't with a patient, but she looked annoyed at the intrusion until she saw the panic on Alicia's face.

"You need to come" she said. "And we need to call an ambulance."

"What's happened?"

"There's a young girl in the waiting area and…" Alicia swallowed. Her cover would be blown for sure, she took only a second to worry about that. Any longer than that might make all the difference. "She's showing the early signs of sepsis."

To her credit Dr Kirkland didn't waste any time asking how Alicia could possibly know that, but the look she gave Alicia as she made her way to the waiting room told Alicia that she would get to the bottom of that later.

In only the two minutes Alicia was gone, Lexi had deteriorated. Her skin was clammy and she was barely awake. Her frantic mother was desperately trying to rouse her.

"Alright, let's see what we have here" Dr Kirkland said calmly, kneeling on the floor. Now everyone in the waiting room was watching the scene.

Alicia didn't wait for Dr Kirkland to confirm what she already suspected. She dialled 999 and stood back as she waited for the call to connect. "Ambulance please" Alicia said when the operator answered the call. "Riverside Surgery, I have an eleven year old girl with query sepsis."

* * *

It was still only mid afternoon but Alicia had nothing left in her. Ever since the paramedics had taken Alexandra Bryant away, Alicia could feel everyone watching her and wondering and she knew that it was only a matter of time before her white lies were revealed.

She was sitting in Dr Kirkland's treatment room, waiting for the doctor to return. She was close to tears. This wasn't meant to be like this, but she couldn't keep her mouth shut when there was someone's life at stake, no matter the consequences to herself. She was still a doctor, it wasn't something you could switch off.

The door opened and Dr Kirkland re-entered the room. "I've just got off the phone to the hospital. You were right, it was sepsis. But it was caught early and the prognosis is good." She closed the door and walked slowly back to her chair. "You might have saved her life, Alicia." She sat down slowly and deliberately. She was very calm and measured, the opposite to the nervous wreck that was Alicia. Her hands were shaking and her mouth was dry. Alicia knew there was no point hiding anymore.

Dr Kirkland pressed her hands together and leaned towards Alicia ever so slightly. "You haven't been honest with us, have you?" she asked, although she wasn't accusatory, merely curious.

"I've not been honest with myself for a long time. I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning? Alicia, I'm not here to judge. Anything you say to me won't leave this room."

"Dr Kirkland, you have patients to see…"

"Please call me Sarah. And don't worry about that. You seem quite shaken by what happened…"

Alicia was shaken, sure, but it wasn't about the patient. She took a deep breath. If she was going to bite the bullet and spill her sorry life story, now was as good a time as any.

"Until four months ago I was a registrar in the emergency department of Holby City General. I was good at my job and I liked it. It was about the only part of my life I felt in control of. My personal life is a mess. I came here to get away and have a bit of a fresh start. No one was supposed to know I was a doctor, but then I saw that girl and knew something was wrong."

"Your instincts were spot on, Alicia. I don't understand why you would keep the fact you're a doctor a secret. You're obviously very good. I tried emergency medicine for a while, I couldn't handle it."

Alicia smiled at the compliment. "It's a long story, you don't need to know all the sordid details. I'll be fine, really. I'm fine." But she wasn't fine. The thought came to her that at this very second this woman, this older doctor, was impressed with her and thought the best of her. In a few minutes, if Alicia told the whole truth, her opinion might very well plummet.

Dr Kirkland sensed her hesitation and put her hand on top of Alicia's. "If there's something else on your mind you can tell me. It would be confidential, of course."

"I left my family back in Holby, only my Mam is here. Everything just got so overwhelming, I felt like I was suffocating." The GP was silent, she just let Alicia talk. "You see, it's been nearly two years since my son was born and I haven't been right since. I had post-natal depression I think, but I never asked for help and it just got worse and worse."

"A lot of women experience some kind of depression after having a child, it can creep up on you with no warning. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

It was remarkable, Alicia thought, how little this doctor was fazed by her revelations. There was something about her that inspired trust and until then Alicia hadn't realised how much keeping her life a secret was wearing her down. Until that second, she thought that all that was burdening her was the guilt she felt at leaving Bea and Theo, and the inner turmoil of what she had done. But that wasn't only it and she was slowly beginning to realise that hiding who she was was more taxing than she thought.

Alicia laughed at her comment. If only it was that simple. "There was warning though. Plenty of it." She took a deep breath, trying to prevent her voice from breaking. "I was raped. I knew the guy, he worked at the hospital with me. The baby's his." Alicia felt sick whenever she thought about that. It was a fact that she couldn't escape, no matter how much she wanted to. Theo was half her and half Eddie, nothing would ever change that and Alicia didn't believe she'd ever come to terms with it completely. All she could do was try not to let the fact consume her or cloud her relationship with her son.

Sarah saw how much it pained Alicia to say that out loud. "I'm sorry you went through that" she said, but then corrected herself. "I'm sorry you're going through that."

Now Alicia had started talking she couldn't stop. "I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was almost 6 months along. To this day I have no idea how I didn't realise. To begin with I just thought it was stress, and then I guess I was in denial, but my head was all over the place. It was a shock, though that's a massive understatement. For me and my partner. We hadn't been together all that long. Things were going well and then this bombshell hit us. Anyway, it was too late for an abortion and once he was born I knew I couldn't bring myself to give him up. He couldn't help how he came into this world, you know? I never want him to grow up believing that he wasn't wanted." Alicia paused, catching her breath. "He had a lot of health problems that were my fault and every time I looked at him I felt like a failure. I didn't look after myself, I smoked and I drank too much to try and deal with my trauma, I wasn't eating properly. I didn't know Theo existed at the time, but that doesn't help the guilt I feel. He's fine now, so Bea tells me, just small for his age, but that still doesn't help."

"Bea?"

"My girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend? I'm not actually sure anymore." Alicia paused allowing her revelations so far to sink in but Dr Kirkland seemed unfazed. She continued. "What I am sure of is that she's a better mother to Theo than I could ever be. When I left Holby I was in no frame of mind to look after myself let alone a child. I did something unforgivable." Alicia looked away, she couldn't meet the doctor's eye. "I left Theo alone. Everything got too much and I walked out the house. I was convinced that they would both be better off without me. I'm not proud of it."

"What do you think now?"

"I think I miss them." Alicia was forced to stop while she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She was being more honest with this woman and herself than she had been in a long time. Something about leaping in and helping that girl, about being a doctor again, if only for a minute, reminded her of her whole life and what she was missing. "I miss who I used to be. I wish things were different and we could be a happy family. Bea came here to try and convince me to come home. She's still here now, in this town. She thinks that if we love each other and we both love Theo that's all that matters and everything else can be fixed, but I don't know." Alicia's hands fell to her lap and she looked down at the floor sadly. "She was there for me through everything and couldn't have been more supportive or caring if she tried. But it didn't happen to her and sometimes I wonder if she understands at all."

"It sounds like she really cares for you."

Alicia nodded. She couldn't fathom why after all she'd put her through. "She wants me to get counselling and get better. Whatever that means. My Mam thinks that's what I need too."

"It's great to have people looking out for you but you need to want to make the change yourself. If you do, I can help you. Whether you stay here or not, I'll try." Dr Kirkland reached over and squeezed Alicia's hand. "It will get better, Alicia."

Alicia took a deep break as she left Dr Kirkland's office. She walked slowly down the hallway back to reception. She would have a lot of explaining to do to Amy but she wanted to get back to work. The monotony of administration and answering the phone was what she needed.

She walked back to the waiting area, bracing herself to have twenty pairs of eyes staring at her with a million silent questions that she couldn't answer. She imagined everyone passing judgement on her. What had she done to end up here, far from home and hiding who she was? But when she entered the reception, she didn't notice twenty pairs of eyes starting at her. She only noticed one pair.

Bea stood up when she saw Alicia and smiled.

"You came" Alicia said, hardly believing it.

"You told me to come" Bea said. "I'm sorry if…"

Her reply was cut short by Alicia falling into her arms. Bea hugged her tight and the relief in that moment felt so good. All the tension and worry and anger and angst hat had been brewing for god knows how many months now seemed to vanish in that one hug. It meant more than spending the night together, more than the countless 'I'm sorrys' they had both said so much the word had lost all meaning. That hug felt like a fresh start. It felt like a promise to do whatever it took to mend what was broken.

It felt like coming home.


	5. Chapter 5

_Hello everyone. Thank you so much for the reviews so far, it means a lot. Afte rthis chapter, there will be one more plus an epilogue. Happy reading._

Chapter 5

Curled up in Bea's arms, the warmth of her body against hers, Alicia felt emotionally and physically exhausted, but also happier than she had felt in a very long time. Alicia knew there was a long road ahead. She had depression, she realised that now, and it would be a long and complicated journey to overcome it, or at least manage it. Alicia wasn't naïve enough to think she could ever be the person she was, before Eddie, before any of this. In her darkest moments she used to think that's what she wanted. To wind back the clock to before that night and live her life over again. But if she did that, she wouldn't have Bea, at least not the way she did now, and she certainly wouldn't have Theo. Alicia knew that part of her recovery would involve letting go of what could have been and accepting what was.

"Tell me about him" Alicia said. Bea stopped stroking her hair and look down at Alicia questioningly. Alicia smiled. "Theo. Tell me about him."

Bea returned her smile. The joy on her face was unmistakable, although whether that was from thinking of the little boy back in Holby or from Alicia asking after him, it wasn't clear. It didn't really matter.

"He's the happiest child I've ever met" Bea said. "He loves to run. The minute we walk through the park gate's he's off, making friends and causing havoc. He loves dinosaurs. His favourite toy is a cuddly stegosaurus that Dr Keogh bought him."

Alicia laughed. "Dylan?"

"Yep. Believe me, I was surprised too. Ethan and I named the dinosaur after him. He loved that."

"I bet." Alicia sighed. Ethan. She owed him a debt she thought she'd never be able to repay. But she didn't want to think about that now, she wanted to hear about her son.

Bea sensed Alicia's melancholy and wrapped both her arms around her tightly. She resumed her story. "He won't go to sleep without a bedtime story. His current favourite is 'Where the Wild Things Are'. I reckon I could recite that book from memory. I can even do all the voices. He might be the only kid on the planet who actually likes broccoli. He loves to help me cook."

Alicia turned her head to look at Bea's face and a small smirk crossed her face. "You cook?"

Bea chuckled. "Well, I can boil vegetables in a pan. I'm hardly Jamie Oliver."

"What else?"

"Everyone at the hospital loves him. He's got twenty honorary aunts and uncles that spoil him rotten. He's absolutely besotted with Charlotte. Whenever Robyn looks after him he follows her around like a shadow."

A tear slid down Alicia's cheek but Bea was staring out into the room too lost in her thoughts to notice. Alicia let it fall. She deserved to cry. There were people in this world who knew her own child better than she did and for that she deserved to feel pain and guilt. But instead of hiding from those feelings and pushing them down she would have to let them in and use them to get better. To become a better parent and a better person.

"Theo's grown a lot since…" Bea hesitated. "Since you left. He's thriving."

"He's healthy?" Alicia asked, her voice small and uncertain. "He's ok?"

"Yes. He's perfect. Don't worry about that. I promise, he's ok. He's almost outgrown his cot, we'll have to think about getting him a proper little bed soon."

Now Alicia's tears fell in earnest and this time Bea couldn't help but notice. Alicia's baby boy wasn't a baby anymore and Alicia hadn't been there to see him grow.

"Hey. What's the matter?" Bea wiped Alicia's cheek with the palm of her hand and planted a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm such an idiot" she said. "I've missed so much. I can't forgive myself, and I don't see how you or Theo could ever forgive me either."

"You're not well, Alicia. No one blames you and you shouldn't blame yourself. Not after all you've been through. Theo will forgive you, of course he will. He warms to people so quickly, even total strangers. As far as he's concerned within a week it will be like you were never away. You'll see." Bea shifted on the sofa so she was facing Alicia. "And as for me, how could I not forgive you? You're the love of my life, Alicia. Nothing is going to change that."

"I don't deserve you" Alicia said. She put her hand on Bea's cheek. "After all I've done I don't feel I deserve your love or your forgiveness. But I'll try to earn it. If you let me come home I'll try every day to be a better partner and mother."

Bea looked into Alicia's eyes, her vision blurred with tears. "Of course I will. All I want is for us to be a family."

"I know it won't be easy. I know now that I need help. I need to get better and prove to social services that I can be a good mother. And I need to prove it to you."

"You don't need to prove anything to me" Bea said. "I love you. No conditions."

"Then I need to prove it to myself."

"Everything will work out, I promise."

"That's a big promise to make, you don't know that."

"Maybe not, but I believe it. I believe in you." Bea offered her arms to Alicia again and Alicia welcomed the embrace. She didn't know how she had survived the last four months without Bea there to anchor her. In her arms she felt like she was home, there was no other way to explain it.

There was the sound of a key turning in the door. "Mam's home" Alicia said, but she made no attempt to disentangle herself from Bea's arms.

"Hey love, have you had a good day?" Jackie called from the hallway. She walked into the living room, rummaging in her handbag for something but when she saw Alicia and Bea curled up together on the sofa she stopped and a big smile spread across her face. But then she looked closer and saw the troubled look on Alicia's face. "Did something happen love?"

Bea was the one who answered. "There was a medical emergency in the waiting area and she had to intervene."

Ms Munroe walked over and perched on the arm of the sofa. "They found out you're a doctor?"

Alicia nodded, but she first touched Bea's face reassuringly then smiled at her mother. "But it's ok. It had to come out sooner or later, I couldn't hide forever."

"Were you there?" Jackie asked Bea.

"No, I came after."

"I spoke to one of the GPs there. Dr Kirkland. I spilled everything, about Theo and my rape and why I left."

Jackie squeezed her daughter's shoulder. "Oh, love."

"Mam, it's ok. I feel relieved quite honestly. I didn't think talking to anyone would help, but it really did."

Now Jackie Munroe was the one to look relieved. She leaned over and gave Alicia a hug. "I'm so happy to hear you say that. Right" she released Alicia and stood up. "I'm going to have a bath and put my comfy clothes on. I'll leave you two alone. Maybe we can order a take away later, what do you think?"

Alicia smiled. "That's sounds great."

Later, with the remains of their Chinese piled on the kitchen worktop and the washing up drying on the draining board, Alicia and Bea were once again snuggled on the sofa. Jackie had already gone to bed and the house was quiet.

"It's getting late" Bea said. She said it cautiously, asking the question of 'what next' without actually saying it. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Do you still have the hotel room?" Alicia asked, her voice just as tentative.

"For one more night."

Alicia smiled and planted a tender kiss on Bea's lips. "Can I stay with you there? I promise I'll be there in the morning."

* * *

Waking up in Alicia's arms was Bea's bliss, and this morning she got her wish. Burrowed in the crisp white covers with Alicia stroking her hair was the perfect way to begin her day. For a long time after they woke up they just sat there, half reclining against the pillows propped up on the headboard.

Alicia was the one to break the silence. She needed to say this. "I'm sorry" she said in a whisper. "I've been so selfish. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings I never really thought how all this would be affecting you. I left you to look after Theo all on your own, not to mention explain away my absence to Mrs Beauchamp. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

Bea sighed. She didn't know how to answer straight away. It was tough, she wasn't going to pretend otherwise. In many ways the toughest four months of her life. She was upset and angry but she couldn't afford to dwell on those feelings for too long. Not with a little boy who was just as upset but without the ability to understand why his life had changed so suddenly. Bea held it together for Theo, but in those first few weeks especially she needed someone to hold it together for her.

Bea didn't say any of this in that moment, there was no point. There'd be time for that, probably in therapy sessions she'd have to attend along with Alicia eventually. Because it wasn't only Alicia who had things to work through before they could move on with their lives. Instead, right now all she did was hold tighter to Alicia. She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I love you" was all she said.

Bea's lack of response wasn't lost on Alicia but she'd said all she needed to say and didn't want to spoil the moment any more. "I love you too."

"I have to go back to Holby today" Bea said with a sigh. She didn't want to put any pressure on Alicia but she had to go back, life didn't stop for anyone. "I have a shift tomorrow and Ethan's probably going crazy." Bea turned to face Alicia, thinking it important she saw her face when she said this. "You don't have to come with me though, not yet. If you need some more time that's ok, I'll understand."

"No, I'll come" Alicia answered. She didn't hesitate but her voice shook.

Bea saw how nervous she was but grinned broadly. "I'm so happy to hear you say that."

"There are a couple of things I need to do first though" she said. "But not yet. Can we just lie here a while longer?"

"Absolutely. I could stay here all day."

* * *

"I can't believe you kept this a secret." Amy grabbed Alicia's phone and stared at the photo of Theo on the screen. "He's proper cute. What's his name?"

In the corner of the coffee shop, Alicia and Amy sat nursing lattes and fruit toast for breakfast.

"Theo" Alicia said. "Theo Nathaniel. He's almost two."

Amy smiled down at the photo for a second longer then handed Alicia back her phone. "He's beautiful." Amy took a sip of her coffee and looked at Alicia across the table from her. "Look, I know I ask too many questions half the time, I can't help it. But this time I'm going to keep my mouth shut. You've clearly got a lot going on. You don't have to tell me anything."

Alicia smiled gratefully. "Thank you. I know you must have a lot of questions."

"I do" Amy said, a glint in her eye. "But I won't ask them."

"It's a long and ugly story" Alicia said. "I hope you'll understand if I don't want to share it."

"Of course" Amy said. "You don't know me anything."

"But I do. You were a friend to me these past few months when I had no one by my mum to talk to. You helped me, even if you don't realise it."

"I wish I could have helped you more" Amy said. She paused and leant back in her chair the way she did when she _did_ have a question to ask. Alicia braced herself. "So, a doctor hey?"

Alicia laughed. "Yep."

"Wow. In an emergency department too. I can't even imagine."

"It can be pretty full on" Alicia said. "But it's great. I really love it." Alicia hadn't admitted to herself until now that she missed her job as much as she did. She didn't even know if she had a job to go back to in all honestly, not after leaving so abruptly without a word. Even if Mrs Beauchamp would let her come back, she knew there would be conditions which probably included many months of counselling before she would even consider letting Alicia loose on patients.

"I wanted to be a doctor when I was little" Amy sad. "I still do kind of. But I was too crap at science so it's never going to happen. Receptionist at a GP surgery is probably as close as I'll ever get to the healthcare profession. Saving lives though, that's special. It must be cool. Like that little girl yesterday. It sounds like they caught the infection in time thanks to you."

"There are other things you could do besides being a doctor" Alicia said. "have you considered being a paramedic? You're great with people, I think it would really suit you."

Amy shrugged but Alicia could see that she had planted a germ of an idea in the young woman and a small smiled crept over her face.

"I can't drive" Amy said. "Don't you have to be able to drive?"

"Yeah. But you can learn."

Amy was quiet but Alicia could see the cogs turning in her brain. The bell above the door chimed and Bea walked in carrying her holdall. She kissed Alicia on the top of the head when she approached their table.

"All checked out?" Alicia asked.

"Yeah. I'm dying for a coffee." Bea pulled up a chair and sat down next to Alicia.

"This is Bea" Alicia said to Amy. It felt good, being able to introduce Bea to someone here. It was strange for Alicia to be out in the world with these two people in the same room. She still couldn't quite believe she didn't have to hide anymore.

"We met briefly yesterday" Amy said, but she held out her hand for Bea to shake and she did warmly. "But it's nice to meet you properly."

"Can I get either of you anything while I'm up?" Bea asked. She took out her purse but Amy stopped her.

"I'll go" Amy said sliding out from the booth. "What would you like."

"An americano please. A dash of milk. Cheers."

Alicia shook her head. "I'm alright."

"Cool. Be right back."

"She seems like a nice girl" Bea said, watching Amy go.

"She is. I'll miss her."

Until they were in Alicia's car and heading down the motorway Bea wouldn't allow herself to really believe Alicia was coming home after all this time, but that didn't mean she couldn't take some joy from imagining it to be true.

"We need to talk later" Bea said. "Nothing bad, I promise. But we need to make plans. If you're going to come back to Holby I want to do things right. I'm afraid that if we try and carry on like nothing happen the same problems will surface again."

"I won't let that happen" Alicia said in a hushed voice. "But I know you're right." Alicia saw that Amy was heading back to the table with Bea's coffee and a plate of cookies. She took Bea's hand and kissed it once. She smiled. And in that smile was a promise that everything would get better.

* * *

It was a weekend so the surgery was closed except for emergencies and the waiting area was eerily quiet, but Dr Kirkland was there as she told Alicia she would be, and when Alicia rang the buzzer and she came to the front door to let her in she looked as though she had spent all morning expecting her.

Alicia declined the offer of tea, not wanting to stretch this out for any longer than she had to. She followed Dr Kirkland to her treatment room and they both sat down.

"I don't belong here" Alicia said. She meant to start this conversation more gently but those were the words that escaped her mouth first. "I have to leave this job, I'm sorry to put you in this position. It's not who I am, treating that girl yesterday made me remember what it was like. I'm a doctor. A good doctor. I need to get back to that. And this town, it's not my home. My family is in Holby. I need to be with them."

Sarah Kirkland listened to Alicia with patience and understanding. She nodded slowly. "Don't worry about the job. Amy can handle it by herself for a week or so, she's quite a capable girl when she really puts her mind to it." Alicia smiled, remembering their conversation from a couple of hours ago. She had a feeling Amy might not be in this job for much longer either but she kept that to herself. "The most important thing is your health and wellbeing and being with your family."

Alicia thought about walking through the front door of her house and seeing Theo again and a warm glow built up inside her. But at the same time, tears formed in her eyes. "I'm worried I won't be good enough. I'm worried I'll try my hardest to be a good mum and I'll still get it wrong. And I worry for the future, for Theo's future. When he grows up he's bound to find out about his biological father and what happened. What sort of damage will that do to him?"

"Alicia, you've been through some terrible trauma. You'll probably never get over it completely, it will always be a part of who you are. But I know you won't let it define you or your son. No one can change what's happened in the past, but we can play our part in ensuring things like this don't happen in the future."

Alicia wiped her eyes to try and stem the tears but it didn't work. She gave up and just let them fall. "How? There's so much evil in the world, what can you or I really do?"

"We can make a difference. You have to believe that. And you know how? By raising our boys to be kind and considerate, by teaching them to respect women and know what is and isn't ok. Use what's happened to you for good. Raise Theo to be the best person he can be."

Alicia nodded slowly. When Theo was born, the moment the doctor handed him to her, pink and screaming with the effort of emerging into the world, Alicia held him to her chest and vowed silently with all her might that she wouldn't let who his father was or how he was conceived shape his character. Somehow in everything that had happened since, she had forgotten that vow but now it returned to her with a fierceness she didn't think was possible. She looked up at the doctor, a determined look in her eye to see that the same look was reflected back to her.

"You have a son too?" Alicia asked.

Dr Kirkland nodded. "Two actually. Declan and Laurence. They're teenagers now, and this kind of stuff has been on my mind more and more lately. I try to love them, set a good example and make them think about the choices they make. That's all any parent can do."

* * *

"It's getting late Pet, are you sure you don't want to stay one more night and set off in the morning?"

Alicia shook her head. "No. Bea has to work tomorrow. And besides, I'm scared that if I don't leave now I'll never leave."

Jackie Munroe pulled her daughter into a tight hug. "That would be fine with me" she said. "It's selfish, I know." She pulled away and took a deep breath to compose herself. "But you'll always be my baby girl, I miss you when you're gone."

Alicia didn't want to cry again. This was a good thing, her leaving. She was going home to where she belonged with the woman she loved and her baby boy. But her mother was there for her unconditionally when she felt she had no one else, and she felt guilty leaving her now. "I won't be gone forever" Alicia said. "I'll be back to visit soon, I promise."

"You better be. And you better bring that grandson of mine with you."

"Of course we will, Mam. I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart. Now go, before I start crying again." Jackie kissed her daughter on the forehead.

Bea lifted Alicia's suitcase into the car and closed the boot. "Goodbye Jackie" she said, hugging Alicia's mum too. It was still a little awkward between them, Bea didn't think it would ever not be, but they had come to an understanding over the years. They both loved Alicia and would do almost anything for her, they had that in common.

"You better look after her" she said, but it wasn't a threat, it was a wish.

Bea smiled. She understood, from one mother to another, how hard it was to be apart from your child. It had only been a few days and Bea already missed Theo like crazy. All she wanted to do what give him a hug. "You know I will."

Jackie pulled away. "I know."

"Are you ready to go?" Alicia asked Bea, checking her handbag one last time to see if she'd left something behind.

Bea grinned. "So ready."

Alicia gave her mum one last kiss on the cheek and opened the passenger side door. It was Alicia's car but Bea had insisted she drive. Alicia had protested but was secretly relieved. Alicia buckled her seatbelt and took a deep breath, watching her mother wave them away from the doorstep of her house. Bea climbed into the driver's seat and adjusted the rear view mirror. Before she turned the key in the ignition she reached across and squeezed Alicia's knee, reassuring her in that one simple gesture that everything would be alright.

* * *

As they drove it began to get dark and a light drizzle started to fall. The gentle swish of the windscreen wipers was kind of comforting as they made their way down the quiet residential streets on the outskirts of town. The car was warm and Alicia felt safe from the world outside. But she knew sooner or later she'd have to face it head on.

"What did you want to talk about?" Alicia asked.

Be didn't take her eyes off the road when she replied. "Let's get home first."

"Bea…" For four months Alicia was the one who had been avoiding reality, now Bea was the one being hesitant and she didn't completely understand why.

Bea stole a quick glance across at Alicia. It was only a split second before her eyes were back on the road but in that tiny look Alicia saw the fear in her eyes. She turned in her seat and gazed at Bea's profile. She touched her arm lightly. "Bea, what is it? You can tell me anything."

Bea swallowed. "I was going to tell you I'd been thinking about getting you help. I thought we could have a word with Mrs Beauchamp to see if she could recommend a good councillor for you to talk to."

"But…" Alicia sensed Bea's hesitation and gently encouraged her to share what was on her mind.

"I don't want it to be like last time. I tried to force you into therapy and I pushed you over the edge. That was the beginning of the end before, I can see that now. It was my fault, I pushed too hard."

"No" Alicia said. "It wasn't. But anyway, I'm in a much better place now. I think it sounds like a great plan." Alicia's heart broke whenever she thought about how much pain she had caused Bea in the past. She had promised to get help for Bea just as much as Theo. She couldn't live with herself if she was the cause of any more pain for her. Bea was the kindest, most loyal person Alicia had ever met. She had taken that for granted in the past, but no more. "Pull over" she said, rather abruptly and Bea looked over, confused.

"Pull over here" Alicia said again, calmer this time. Bea turned the steering wheel and came to a stop by the side of the road in front of someone's house. She switched off the engine.

"Alicia, what's wrong."

Alicia unclipped her seatbelt, leaned over and took Bea's face in her hands. She kissed her without warning and in the dim glow of the street light Alicia could see Bea's surprise. "I want us to make a promise to each other. Right here, right now. No looking back." It was spontaneous, but Alicia knew in an instant what she needed to be able to move on with her life. "I'll talk about my past with a councillor, I promise, but with each other, let's not look back. No more blaming ourselves, no more wondering what we could have done to prevent all the crap that happened. Let's only look forward and concentrate on being better. Better partners to each other and better mothers to Theo. Okay?"

Bea hear Alicia's words, said with utter conviction and she was overwhelmed. This was the strongest sign yet that Alicia really wanted to fix things and be a family. Bea cried, but they were tears of happiness. "I love you so much" she said in reply. This time she was the one to lean in for a kiss. "Yes."


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello everyone. I hope this update makes up just a little bit for the lack of episode this week. I hope you enjoy the last part of my main story. There will be one more chapter, an epilogue, to come and then I'm done. It's been fun writing this, I'm quite proud of how it turned out. Happy reading._

Chapter 6

"Theo's all tucked up in bed" Ethan said as he opened the front door.

"How has he been?" Bea asked. "Is his temperature down?"

"Temperature?" Alicia came up behind Bea, a concerned look on her face.

Bea turned around and offered her a small smile. "He was a bit poorly when I left. I didn't want to worry you."

"He's fine now" Ethan said quickly. "Honestly. He didn't lose his appetite and his temperature is almost back to normal. There's nothing to worry about."

Bea came inside but Alicia still stood on the doorstep frozen. She was looking at Ethan, so many emotions rushing through her mind as she did so. She took a breath but the words caught in her throat. There were no words she could say to make up for all she'd put him through.

Ethan reached out and offered his hand. "Hi" he said, in that sweet nervous way of his. "Why don't you come inside?"

Alicia hesitated but took his hand. It was soft and warm and she allowed him to pull her over the threshold. She leant her suitcase against the wall and removed her coat in silence, all the while struggling to think of what she could possible say to this man. When she had hung up her coat Ethan and Bea were still standing in the hallway. They both looked a little unsure as well but it was Bea that broke the tension. "I'll put the kettle on" she said, and hurried to the kitchen leaving Alicia and Ethan alone.

"I'm sorry" they both said in unison, then laughed bashfully.

"Jinx" Ethan said. He knew it made Alicia laugh when he acted dorky and it worked. It made him smile when her shoulders visibly relaxed.

"Hi" Alicia said, finally returning his greeting. "It's good to see you."

"You too" Alicia said. She led the way to the living room and sat down on the sofa to remove her boots. Ethan hovered for a moment until she patted the space beside her and he gladly accepted the invitation.

"It's so good to have you home" Ethan said. He sounded relieved.

"Have you been staying here?" Alicia asked, looking around. She noticed one of Ethan's shirts hanging on the airer in the corner.

Ethan followed her gaze. "Oh, no. Well, just for the weekend. There was a minor mishap with some strawberry jam and I didn't want the stain to set."

Alicia's hands fidgeted in her lap and she stared at them for a minute before finally looking up. "Ethan, thank you" she said. "Thank you for stepping up and helping Bea while I wasn't here. You didn't have to do that. I'm eternally grateful."

Ethan put his hand on Alicia's to stop her fidgeting. "I did" he replied. "That's the least I could do. I couldn't help you, but I could help your family."

"I'm the one who should be apologising. I'm the one who left and dropped everyone in it. At work too. I'm sorry."

Ethan waved her apology away. "Stop. You're home now, that's all that matters. Can we just agree that we're both sorry and leave it at that?"

Alicia thought back to the pact she and Bea had made in the car and figured the same notion could apply with Ethan. She nodded. "Yes."

"I love Theo too. I'm happy to help out any time you need me, all you have to do is ask."

"I don't know what we did to deserve you." Alicia sighed deeply and hugged Ethan. He returned the hug. This hug that he had been waiting four months, longer than four months, to give and receive. "I'm going to get help" Alicia promised. "I'm going to get better."

"I'll help you in any way I can" Ethan said into Alicia's hair.

Alicia pulled away. She looked into Ethan's eyes. "You're a good man, Ethan Hardy. I've messed you around so much and still you're here. Theo adores you, I remember, and Bea tells me that bond's only grown. You're the closest thing to a father he'll ever have."

A lump formed in Ethan's throat and now he was the one lost for words. Bea appeared in the doorway carrying a tray and saved him from having to reply. If he did it would probably be unbelievably soppy and embarrassing and he'd never live it down.

"Is anyone hungry?" Bea asked, setting the tray down on the coffee table. "We can order something if you like."

"I should get going" Ethan said.

"You won't stay for tea?" Alicia pleaded with him to stay but he shook his head.

"No, I'll leave you to it. I'll pop round tomorrow though, pick up my laundry." He gave Alicia's hand a squeeze and stood up.

Alicia nodded. "Thanks Ethan."

Bea walked him to the door and gave him a hug on the doormat. "Thank you so much for this week" Bea said. "Thank you for everything."

"Take care of yourself, Bea" Ethan said, grabbing his coat and opening the door. He lowered his voice when he said "take care of your family."

Bea only smiled in response. She never wanted to be parted from them again, not even for a moment. And for tonight at least, she wouldn't.

She returned to the livingroom and Alicia was pouring the tea. Bea gently took the milk jug from her and placed it back on the tray. "That can wait" she said. "Just sit with me."

Bea stretched out on the sofa and held her arms out for Alicia, who sunk into her like a stone falling to the bottom of a lake. Bea wrapped her arms tightly around Alicia's body. Bea's soul lifted and she closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of Alicia's body against hers and the scent of her hair filling the air. She was home.

Bea led Alicia slowly up the stairs by the hand, resisting every urge in her body that wanted to run straight up to the nursery and scoop Theo into her arms. She knew that convincing Alicia to come home was only the first step and she had to take things slowly. When they reached the door, Bea kissed Alicia's hands and nodded to her, asking the silent question; 'are you ready?' Alicia smiled back and Bea quietly pushed the door open.

In the faint glow of the dinosaur nightlight, they could see Theo standing up in his crib, wide awake. He wasn't crying or fussing, but standing staring at them with his big curious eyes.

All parenting books would tell you to leave a child to let themselves fall back asleep if they wake up in the night and there's nothing wrong, but Bea ignored all the advice, just this once. "Hey baby boy" she whispered. "What are you doing up?" She switched the lamp on and the room was bathed in a soft yellow light.

"Ma" Theo babbled, and Bea hoped to God he was just chattering incoherently and wasn't about to call her Mummy again, not with Alicia present. But thankfully he just laughed and reached out his arms to be picked up.

Bea didn't need to be asked twice. She lifted him out of the crib. "I missed you" she whispered and held him close.

Alicia watched on and her heart felt full. On one hand she was saddened that she wasn't the one her child reached for, but on the other hand seeing how comfortable Bea and Theo were in each other's company made her happier than she could express. Alicia knew it would take time to build a relationship with her son again. Even before she left it was Bea who was doing most of the parenting. Alicia simply couldn't cope. She didn't even know if Theo would remember her but she wasn't going to give up. She would do everything she could to make her son trust her and feel safe with her.

Bea nuzzled the top of Theo's head with her cheek and looked up at Alicia. "Do you want a cuddle?"

Alicia did. So much. But she shook her head. "Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to disturb him."

Bea smiled sadly. "Are you sure?"

Alicia nodded, but took a step towards them. She brushed Theo's soft cheek with her fingers and he turned to look at her. "I'm sure. There will be plenty of time for that."

Bea nodded. "Ok little man" she said to Theo. "Time to sleep." She unwrapped his arms from around her neck and he was too sleepy to put up a fight. Bea gently lay him back down in the crib and tucked him in.

They switched off the lamp and left the room. On the landing Bea searched Alicia's face for any signs of how she was feeling. Alicia's eyes were wet with tears but she wiped them away furiously when Bea leant in to give her a comforting hug.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" she said, smiling despite the tears. "I'm being silly. It's just… the past few days, they've been a lot."

"I know, darling. But I'm so proud of you."

"I'm nervous to hold my own child" Alicia admitted as Bea went in for a hug. She felt silly but of all the people in her life, Bea was the one she trusted the most and knew she could be vulnerable with her without fear of judgement.

"It will pass" Bea said. She gently rubbed Alicia's back. "I promise it will."

It frightened Alicia how quickly she found herself slipping back into her old life. One on hand it was comforting, to know that her four month absence hadn't ruined everything as she feared it had. But part of her resisted. Alicia was scared that slipping back into her old life would also mean slipping back into her old habits. She felt like she had been given a lifeline, one final chance to get things right. Jeopardising that wasn't an option.

So she hung back. She left the majority of Theo's care to Bea, just watching, learning, storing away in her memory all the new information she'd missed out on by not being there. How he would only eat his food out of one particular bowl. How he fussed when he had to put socks and shoes on, but a stuffed animal to play with was all that was needed to distract him. How he loved books, loved to hold them and turn the pages, staring at the words as you read them like he was checking you were getting the story right.

She kept her distance, like a stray puppy deciding whether or not to trust the kindness of a stranger. The stranger in this analogy was not Bea or even Theo however, it was her own happiness. But Alicia was also tired of feeling sorry for herself, tired of going over and over all the ways she had failed. With a beautiful son and a beautiful girlfriend, how could she feel sorry for herself? She was so lucky and she would try to remember that even when things got hard.

Alicia stood leaning at the kitchen counter with a mug of tea watching Bea make Theo's breakfast. Theo sat in his highchair expectantly, banging his little plastic spoon on the tray with amusement at the racket he was making. Bea was due in for a shift in a few hours, but Alicia knew she didn't want to leave, and she was reluctant to leave Alicia and Theo alone. Alicia was nervous about it too, but more than that she didn't want Bea to spend all day worrying about her.

"I called Robyn" Alicia said. Bea looked up from the chopping board. "She's not working today. She's going to bring Charlotte round for a playdate."

"Are you sure? I can take him into nursery if you want to rest."

"Absolutely sure" Alicia said. "I want to spend time with him.

A look of relief crossed Bea's face and Alicia knew she had made the right decision to call Robyn. It was awkward at first, calling her friend after staying silent for so many months. But Robyn was sweet and understanding and said she would love to come over.

Alicia suspected Bea wanted to make a suggestion such as that herself, perhaps to ask Ethan to drop round if he wasn't busy, but would have struggled with how to broach the subject without hurting Alicia's feelings.

Bea smiled gratefully. "That's great" Bea said. "You shouldn't be alone. I'm going to ask Mrs Beauchamp for a few more days off after this shift. I want to make sure you're settled.

Alicia put down her tea and came up behind Bea, wrapping her arms around her middle. "Thank you for worrying about me" she said. She kissed Bea's cheek. "But you don't need to." Alicia took a deep breath. "I made an appointment with a psychologist Mrs Beauchamp recommended. It's tomorrow." She said this slowly, aware of what a big step this was.

Bea turned around. "You didn't tell me. That's amazing, I'm proud of you. Is this at that private clinic?"

Alicia nodded. Having dedicated most of her adult life to the NHS she felt a little guilty for going private but she knew it was important to start this process quickly and there was no telling how long it might take otherwise. She had to put her family and her immediate wellbeing above her principles. The broad smile on Bea's face right now more than justified her choice.

"What time? I'll make sure I get someone to cover my shift so I can come with you."

"You don't have to come" Alicia said. The words came automatically, so used by now of trying to get through her problems alone.

"I do" Bea's tone was firm. "I'm here for you. We both are" Bea stroked Theo's hair her and he looked up at her, eyes wide. "Isn't that right, munchkin?" The little boy nodded, sensing that 'yes' was the right answer even if he didn't understand the question.

"You don't have to do this alone anymore" Bea continued, as if reading Alicia's mind. 'You never did' she wanted to say, 'you could always come to me' but that would only add to Alicia's guilt and they had promised each other they would only look to the future. Instead she turned and returned Alicia's hug, holding her close.

The next morning, Alicia hurried down the stairs pulling her hair into a ponytail, nervous that she would be late for her appointment. She found Bea at the bottom of the stairs with Theo in her arms. They were both wrapped up in scarves and coats, their shoes on and were ready to go. Alicia stopped and smiled gratefully. "You really didn't have to swap your shift you know" she said, but was also extremely grateful she had.

"I wanted to. And Ethan was more than happy to help."

Alicia reached out to take Bea's hand. Saying 'thank you' again seemed inadequate. At every turn she was astonished that Bea was still here, still supporting her and loving her and believing in her even when she didn't believe in herself. Alicia didn't know how she was ever going to live up to person Bea saw her to be but she would try.

"Listen, I don't want you to tell me what you talk about, not if you don't want to" Bea said. "It's none of my business really. I just want to know that you're talking to someone and they're helping you through."

"You don't need to escort me to the door. I want to go." But Alicia wasn't being defensive, she was pleased that Bea wanted to come. "There's a playground nearby. It's a lovely day. You can take Theo to play while I spill my guts to a stranger."

Alicia put an arm around Theo and the little boy turned to look at her with an open but indifferent curiosity. She was a stranger to him, and the way he clung to Bea didn't escape her. But she didn't dwell on it, it was her own fault her son didn't know her, but she felt hopeful that that would change, certain there was time ahead in which to put it right. She no longer felt weighed down by her bad decisions, she felt optimistic that she was on the right track leading towards the life she wanted.

"Do you want to go to the park?" Alicia asked Theo, her voice rising brightly. Her enthusiasm worked, Theo nodded his head vigorously. Alicia caught Bea's eye and smiled. For the first time in a long time it didn't feel forced.

"Let me find my boots" Alicia said. She started to walk towards the kitchen and the place she'd left them by the back door, but Bea held out the arm that wasn't holding Theo and caught her as she passed.

"Come here first" she said, and pulled Alicia in for a kiss.

It was a cold day, there was no one in the playground but her and Theo, and the noise of the traffic and even of the birds in the trees seemed far away. It was quiet and Bea relished it. She pushed Theo on the swing and spoke to him, answering his chatter with positive assertions and praise. But she wasn't really listening to him, her mind was elsewhere.

She stared through the trees to the old townhouse that had been converted into a private clinic. The clinic where Alicia now was, trying to unpick all that had gone wrong in her life to lead to her breakdown in order to put her life back together, stronger and more secure than it was before. Bea knew how these things worked, knew that there was no quick fix, that managing mental health was a long term struggle that you never really won. She wished there was a quick solution. She wanted nothing more than for Alicia to be healthy and happy, and it hurt her that it wasn't in her power to make all her problems go away.

Sometimes it took an outsider to make the changes needed. She had told many of her patients this over the years, knowing full well that one day she might have to tell herself the same thing. You can love someone with your whole heart, but sometimes that alone is not enough.

Mr Radford was the name of the psychiatrist Mrs Beauchamp had recommended. Apparently, they had worked together years ago and Connie couldn't have recommended him highly enough. But still, Bea didn't know him, and it was a strange feeling trusting someone you had never met with something as important as the future of your family. But she wasn't lying when she told Alicia she didn't want to know what she discussed in her sessions. Alicia needed that safe space, free of judgement and free from pressure. And Bea didn't care, not really, not if the outcome was positive. Her and Alicia both wanted the same thing, she was sure of that. How they got there wasn't as important as the end result.

"Mummy, stop."

Bea was jolted from her thoughts by Theo's voice, but when she stopped pushing the swing and looked down at him he wasn't upset or distressed, simply bored. He reached up his arms to be lifted from the swing. Bea obliged, setting him down on the woodchips, and he immediately raced off towards the climbing frame. She followed, ready to catch him if he fell.

Bea felt then more strongly than ever that if she had one purpose in this life, it was to make sure the two people she loved more than anything knew that she would be there to catch them whenever they needed her.

Alicia stood at the park railings out of sight, watching Bea and Theo in the distance. Her first session was over and she felt battered and bruised emotionally and mentally exhausted. But in a way she also felt lighter, just a little bit. She knew one session would not magically fix all that was wrong, that it would take time and dedication. She knew also that there would be things she needed to deal with that she wasn't even aware of herself yet. But she would do it, no question. She would do it for her family.

Theo's shriek of joy seemed to echo across the whole park as he ran to Bea and she caught him, swinging him up into the air. The happiness she saw in them both brought a smile to her face and tears to her eyes at the same time. She wanted to be part of that. She imagined a similar scene, hopefully not to long from now, when Theo would run to her with the same joy on his face and Bea would be by her side. She could get there, she knew it.

She opened the gate slowly and walked across the grass to the playground. Bea caught sight of her as she lowered Theo to the ground and smiled nervously. Alicia smiled back, in a way she hoped was reassuring.

"Finished already?" Bea asked. Her voice wavered. Only slightly, but Alicia noticed.

"Yep."

Bea let go of Theo's hand and he scampered off. She walked towards Alicia and held her arms out to her. Alicia gladly stepped into them without another word and they embraced for what felt like a very long time. Over Bea's shoulder Alicia kept one eye on Theo as played.

Eventually they pulled apart. "How was it?" Bea said. "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"It was hard" Alicia admitted truthfully. "It was always going to be. God knows I've got a lot to work through. But it's worth it. You're worth it."

Bea took hold of Alicia's face and kissed her tenderly on the cheek. "Come on, let's go home."


End file.
